Hey Janelle!
So safe is about Alexandra, a girl whose mother has convinced her that all men are bad through her experiences with Alex’s father and the other lousy men that she dates. The conflict is that Alex doesn’t feel safe in her home now that she lives in her own home and her father breaks into her house, and violates her emotionally and physically. Alex’s change is most likely during her moment of getting up the courage to try to defend herself.
I really enjoyed how you took on such a heavy topic, girl! It's a difficult thing to talk about effectively. Anyway, I thought your narrative voice worked well. It actually kind of freaked me out at points. Like just simply walking into a room of your house and realizing that your door is open and you are near positive you didn’t do it. I used to live alone and I know that panic-stricken paranoia feeling when you are by yourself. I also like the idea of her depending on her dog, Twinkle, for protection. It’s obviously unreliable although people consider getting guard dogs to serve as alarm system; this was a cool twist to the story.
As far as suggestions go I think I’d like to see a scene of some kind where we are able to understand why Alex and Alex’s mom hate the dad so much. What happened in their relationship that was specific to them. You could play around with that--maybe it had to do with Alex before. He’s obviously a weirdo, but I’d like to know more. It would show us more personality from the mother, how she acts around the father, and where his motivation to break into his daughter’s house who’s in college when he hasn’t abused her before. In other words more showing than telling when it comes to the relationships in the story. I feel like I’ve been given a sense of who Alexandra is, but not necessarily enough to buy that her relationship with men has persisted in being so bad if something has necessarily happened traumatic to her yet.
Overall, Good job, looking forward to seeing where you take this one!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Response to "Once in a Lifetime"
“Once in a Lifetime,” is a story that is written from the perspective of the daughter, Hema, of an Indian immigrant family who become friends with another Indian family while on their first stay living in America who eventually go back to India. The story gives insight into what the lives of some immigrant families are like--what cultural changes may or may not take place and things of that nature. The conflict in the story rests on Kaushik’s family who comes to stay with Hema’s family after 7 years of not speaking to one another. His family has changed, and ironically seems to be more Americanized that Hema’s family. Hema develops a crush on Kaushik who doesn’t pay her much attention, which its later revealed is most likely because his mom has cancer.
The first thing I noticed about this story is the perspective, which is probably my favorite element of it. I often find comfort in writing in second person, although I know it’s a difficult technique to do effectively because you’re limited to the information you can provide because it can start to sound unnecessary or at times make your reader feel left out. However, with Lahiri’s framework of her story I never felt left out and I thought that the POV was extremely effective. She tells a story to someone that was only in her life for a brief moment compared to everything she may have experienced since them but she made it hold significant weight because it examines larger issues outside of the narrative.
I also was inspired by the abundance of tiny details she was able to use in the story. I think the point of fiction is to make it sound like something that did or could have happened and often times I like reading entertaining stories even when I don’t necessarily buy them. This story seemed like nonfiction because the descriptions and details were so intricate that I felt submerged in that world. I thought the references such as “Gilligan’s Island” and “Good Housekeeping” were nice additions to the realness of the story. I also loved Hema’s dry honesty about how young she was at the time and the undeveloped emotions she had at that time. It added a lot to both her character and the contrast of upbringing from her and Kaushik.
If there are any exceptions I would say that I slightly felt the story dragged on a little longer than I would have liked in between the family coming to stay and finding out Kaushik’s mother had cancer. I think it all worked by the end, but the build up to finding out well a little flat at some points just because I was eager to see where it was going although everything was extremely well written.
The first thing I noticed about this story is the perspective, which is probably my favorite element of it. I often find comfort in writing in second person, although I know it’s a difficult technique to do effectively because you’re limited to the information you can provide because it can start to sound unnecessary or at times make your reader feel left out. However, with Lahiri’s framework of her story I never felt left out and I thought that the POV was extremely effective. She tells a story to someone that was only in her life for a brief moment compared to everything she may have experienced since them but she made it hold significant weight because it examines larger issues outside of the narrative.
I also was inspired by the abundance of tiny details she was able to use in the story. I think the point of fiction is to make it sound like something that did or could have happened and often times I like reading entertaining stories even when I don’t necessarily buy them. This story seemed like nonfiction because the descriptions and details were so intricate that I felt submerged in that world. I thought the references such as “Gilligan’s Island” and “Good Housekeeping” were nice additions to the realness of the story. I also loved Hema’s dry honesty about how young she was at the time and the undeveloped emotions she had at that time. It added a lot to both her character and the contrast of upbringing from her and Kaushik.
If there are any exceptions I would say that I slightly felt the story dragged on a little longer than I would have liked in between the family coming to stay and finding out Kaushik’s mother had cancer. I think it all worked by the end, but the build up to finding out well a little flat at some points just because I was eager to see where it was going although everything was extremely well written.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Response to "Status Quo"
“Status Quo” is about a young high school guy named Jake who gets in school suspension for tardies and meets a few guys, David, Jordan, and Tanner. The new friends are misfits who he makes a connection with in suspension and ends up smoking weed for the first time with them after class. It seems to be a story about peer pressure, but not in the way just to fit in necessarily but I think he chooses it because he’s curious about the guys and intrigued by them, so it shows how easily a person is influenced and in such a quick matter of time.
I really liked Jakes character. The whole outfit scenario was humorous and I liked the bits of sarcasm that slipped in throughout the story, and it pleasantly reminded me of the humor in your last story. I like the sarcastic detail about the color wheel at the beginning; I think that tone works best for you. :) One minor revision on that part though, is I think you might could take out the parenthesis because it creates distance between the reader and the narrator, because I like the line about taking art class just as it is in his voice and in flows better visually.
I think the concept of the story is a good one to play around with too. A guy being curious, and how one thing leads to another, and how he is willing to test the norm especially since the majority of the story he’s out of his element. I also like the buzz buzz. I think I giggled a little the first time, since it caught me off guard.
As far as suggestions, I’d like to know more about Jake. I feel like there are points where I understand him and other times I want to know more. He has a humorous tone, but what are his motivations? What makes him who he is. I’d like to see a little less action and a little more background so I know why he does the things he does, dresses the way he does, etc. He makes the comment that suspension “certainly doesn’t fit in with my personality,” but why? I know he snowboards, how he dresses, that he’s tardy a lot, etc. I see through the action how he changes (wearing different pants, smoking weed, the new bad boy image) but less internal change within his character. I think we need more. I like what you have, but I’d like to see him go through a bigger change, with more conflict.
Overall, I enjoyed your story. You know I dig your sense of humor, and I think what you’ve got is working there just needs to be some additions. Good job, Paul!
I really liked Jakes character. The whole outfit scenario was humorous and I liked the bits of sarcasm that slipped in throughout the story, and it pleasantly reminded me of the humor in your last story. I like the sarcastic detail about the color wheel at the beginning; I think that tone works best for you. :) One minor revision on that part though, is I think you might could take out the parenthesis because it creates distance between the reader and the narrator, because I like the line about taking art class just as it is in his voice and in flows better visually.
I think the concept of the story is a good one to play around with too. A guy being curious, and how one thing leads to another, and how he is willing to test the norm especially since the majority of the story he’s out of his element. I also like the buzz buzz. I think I giggled a little the first time, since it caught me off guard.
As far as suggestions, I’d like to know more about Jake. I feel like there are points where I understand him and other times I want to know more. He has a humorous tone, but what are his motivations? What makes him who he is. I’d like to see a little less action and a little more background so I know why he does the things he does, dresses the way he does, etc. He makes the comment that suspension “certainly doesn’t fit in with my personality,” but why? I know he snowboards, how he dresses, that he’s tardy a lot, etc. I see through the action how he changes (wearing different pants, smoking weed, the new bad boy image) but less internal change within his character. I think we need more. I like what you have, but I’d like to see him go through a bigger change, with more conflict.
Overall, I enjoyed your story. You know I dig your sense of humor, and I think what you’ve got is working there just needs to be some additions. Good job, Paul!
Response to Series of Omissions
Matt,
First of all, I want to say it’s a pleasure to read your writing. This story is great.
“Series of Omissions” is a story about the death of Norman O’ Connor. It examines both his positive and negative characteristics and explains the impact his life had on those people around him, what he left behind, and essentially how it’s affected his family, especially through the relationship with his wife.
What I love most is the concept of this story. The idea that no one is perfect. Norman O’ Connor was hated and he was missed. The conflict is powerful and you played it out nicely in slightly over three pages. The scenes and background information worked well and I believed the life you created for Norman. I loved how you contrasted things like his pornography collection and his painted model planes. Both of those details tell a lot about his character in a few words, he had secrets both good and bad. I also liked the contrast between details such as “The Belt,” raising his hand to his wife, angry over his daughter’s Black boyfriend and music degree, with positive things like sneaking candy to his grand kids, buying his wife the fur coat, potting the cactus, etc.
One of my favorite lines were, “It placed something ugly between them, like a pane of dirty glass, that did not go away,” because it shows the impact threatening your wife can have even on a “loving relationship” or knowing he has that “in him” to hurt her and it stays with her even when she remembers why she loves him. I also thought the scene of the sons beating each other up after the funeral was super effective. I shows how they dealt with the death of their father, sadness to anger, which slightly indicates this is a coping mechanism picked up from their father. Very cool.
The transitions were fluid, and the story was easy to follow due to its effective symmetry. I liked the opening of each new paragraph with the repetition of, “He was survived by. . .” blank.
As far as revisions, I don’t really know what to say because everything was working for me. I’m sure I’ll think of something in class because I always do. Haha. At first I thought maybe I wanted more. I don’t know if that’s just because I enjoyed the story so much though. I think the length works though because in a way it has this sort of short obituary feel, almost like Norman’s personal life story crammed into just a few pages. The ending is awesome.
Again… it was a job well done, Matt. :)
First of all, I want to say it’s a pleasure to read your writing. This story is great.
“Series of Omissions” is a story about the death of Norman O’ Connor. It examines both his positive and negative characteristics and explains the impact his life had on those people around him, what he left behind, and essentially how it’s affected his family, especially through the relationship with his wife.
What I love most is the concept of this story. The idea that no one is perfect. Norman O’ Connor was hated and he was missed. The conflict is powerful and you played it out nicely in slightly over three pages. The scenes and background information worked well and I believed the life you created for Norman. I loved how you contrasted things like his pornography collection and his painted model planes. Both of those details tell a lot about his character in a few words, he had secrets both good and bad. I also liked the contrast between details such as “The Belt,” raising his hand to his wife, angry over his daughter’s Black boyfriend and music degree, with positive things like sneaking candy to his grand kids, buying his wife the fur coat, potting the cactus, etc.
One of my favorite lines were, “It placed something ugly between them, like a pane of dirty glass, that did not go away,” because it shows the impact threatening your wife can have even on a “loving relationship” or knowing he has that “in him” to hurt her and it stays with her even when she remembers why she loves him. I also thought the scene of the sons beating each other up after the funeral was super effective. I shows how they dealt with the death of their father, sadness to anger, which slightly indicates this is a coping mechanism picked up from their father. Very cool.
The transitions were fluid, and the story was easy to follow due to its effective symmetry. I liked the opening of each new paragraph with the repetition of, “He was survived by. . .” blank.
As far as revisions, I don’t really know what to say because everything was working for me. I’m sure I’ll think of something in class because I always do. Haha. At first I thought maybe I wanted more. I don’t know if that’s just because I enjoyed the story so much though. I think the length works though because in a way it has this sort of short obituary feel, almost like Norman’s personal life story crammed into just a few pages. The ending is awesome.
Again… it was a job well done, Matt. :)
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Response to "Incarnations of Burned Children"
David Foster Wallace’s story, “Incarnations of Burned Children” is about parenthood. The story shows the guilt the parents feel, in particular the father, for letting their infant son get hurt. I assume the mother dropped a boiling pot of water on him.
I’ve read this story before and the both times I’ve been amazed by Wallace’s writing style. It’s one of those stories that are difficult to critique simply because of its ingeniousness. The tone is super urgent, while at the same time distanced from the characters; the speaker kind of allows us to feel the severe pain of both the burned child and the father, while stepping outside of the scene at times- describing the bird cocking it’s head, the mention of the father needing a cigarette. The central theme I feel is removing yourself from yourself. The story and descriptions are so in and out. For instance, “. . the Daddy moving quickly and well and his man’s mind empty of everything but purpose, not yet aware of how smoothly he moved or that he’d ceased to hear the high screams because to hear them would freeze him and make impossible what had be done to help his child. .” Using “his man’s mind” is such an ambiguous expression. It’s a unique way of showing the severity of the situation and the effect it has on the father is that he can’t even be a father during this time. To be a father would freeze him, he couldn’t do what needed to be done. He has to separate himself from the situation to save his child. Which is so ironic, because we think of a father doing everything in his power to save his child, but here the fatherly emotion has to be separated from the man.
It is a complex story and I think it can be interpreted in a number of ways. I think that’s probably what Wallace was aiming for. I think the ending is especially ambiguous. I feel like the child actually died by the end, but I’m not entirely sure. There were subtle hints of it being “too late” and realizing things too late" that are weaved within the story. Urgency meshed with hopelessness. The sentence structure is convoluted, however it functions nicely and adds to the tone of the story, inside a mind observing frantic parents trying to save their infant. However, who is the narrator? We don’t know but we are given these inside details. The voice and point of view is the most interesting because it’s not from either of the parents but the speaker is somehow immersed in the up and down emotion of the story.
I also liked the descriptions of the parents freezing up if they actually let their minds venture to the reality of what’s happened. It’s nicely juxtaposed with the burned, steaming child.
I’ve read this story before and the both times I’ve been amazed by Wallace’s writing style. It’s one of those stories that are difficult to critique simply because of its ingeniousness. The tone is super urgent, while at the same time distanced from the characters; the speaker kind of allows us to feel the severe pain of both the burned child and the father, while stepping outside of the scene at times- describing the bird cocking it’s head, the mention of the father needing a cigarette. The central theme I feel is removing yourself from yourself. The story and descriptions are so in and out. For instance, “. . the Daddy moving quickly and well and his man’s mind empty of everything but purpose, not yet aware of how smoothly he moved or that he’d ceased to hear the high screams because to hear them would freeze him and make impossible what had be done to help his child. .” Using “his man’s mind” is such an ambiguous expression. It’s a unique way of showing the severity of the situation and the effect it has on the father is that he can’t even be a father during this time. To be a father would freeze him, he couldn’t do what needed to be done. He has to separate himself from the situation to save his child. Which is so ironic, because we think of a father doing everything in his power to save his child, but here the fatherly emotion has to be separated from the man.
It is a complex story and I think it can be interpreted in a number of ways. I think that’s probably what Wallace was aiming for. I think the ending is especially ambiguous. I feel like the child actually died by the end, but I’m not entirely sure. There were subtle hints of it being “too late” and realizing things too late" that are weaved within the story. Urgency meshed with hopelessness. The sentence structure is convoluted, however it functions nicely and adds to the tone of the story, inside a mind observing frantic parents trying to save their infant. However, who is the narrator? We don’t know but we are given these inside details. The voice and point of view is the most interesting because it’s not from either of the parents but the speaker is somehow immersed in the up and down emotion of the story.
I also liked the descriptions of the parents freezing up if they actually let their minds venture to the reality of what’s happened. It’s nicely juxtaposed with the burned, steaming child.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Repsonse to "A Different Place"
Robert,
“A Different Place” is about a father who had an accident in the car with his family and a family friend, Derrick, who dies. The conflict of the story is centralized around the father’s guilt, because he feels he “killed” Derrick since Derrick didn’t make it through surgery and the father was driving. Other member’s of the family are injured as well as the dad, and it describes the narrator’s experiences with dealing with this tragic incident.
I really liked many of the descriptions of being in the Costa Rica hospital, especially the father’s line, “All they did was give us what would be the equivalent of Ibuprofen and said we’re good to go home. I knew something was wrong with my back, but I don’t speak good Spanish.” It added some extra personality to the father even in the midst of a depressing situation. I also thought having the accident as them “hitting the side of the mountain” was creative. Mountains are scary to drive on in general, especially the steep ones with no railings. I also liked that the narrator’s tone. He didn’t quite know how to handle the situation, and I think it captures how many people feel with these sorts of similar situations. On one hand, he struggles with moarning the death of Derrick and on the other hand he has to be relieved that the others survived. It sets up a touch situation for the narrator’s feelings and internal struggles.
As far as suggestions I would say I want to actually know more about the father. I feel like that he is a central character to the story so I want to know more about his personality aside from him just being guilty over the car accident. I also thought that there should be a couple more spots of light-heartenedness (don’t think that’s a word). Such as, maybe a nice comment said about who Derrick was so that we know something about the person who is being grieved over. I suppose humor is difficult because it’s such a serious situation, but your dialogue was so funny in your last story that I wanted to see more.
I’d like to see some personality within the other characters too. I feel like there is a lot of action going on, which is great, but now you may want to consider dressing up the personalities of the father, Kate, Robin, and Mrs. Stephanie. <-- btw make sure to MRS instead of Miss. ;) I mean if they’re are married, which I assumed they were because he calls her step mom.
Overall, I think you’ve got a lot of good things here, and the potential for a goof story. I just want to see a little more character development within the narrative! Good job!
“A Different Place” is about a father who had an accident in the car with his family and a family friend, Derrick, who dies. The conflict of the story is centralized around the father’s guilt, because he feels he “killed” Derrick since Derrick didn’t make it through surgery and the father was driving. Other member’s of the family are injured as well as the dad, and it describes the narrator’s experiences with dealing with this tragic incident.
I really liked many of the descriptions of being in the Costa Rica hospital, especially the father’s line, “All they did was give us what would be the equivalent of Ibuprofen and said we’re good to go home. I knew something was wrong with my back, but I don’t speak good Spanish.” It added some extra personality to the father even in the midst of a depressing situation. I also thought having the accident as them “hitting the side of the mountain” was creative. Mountains are scary to drive on in general, especially the steep ones with no railings. I also liked that the narrator’s tone. He didn’t quite know how to handle the situation, and I think it captures how many people feel with these sorts of similar situations. On one hand, he struggles with moarning the death of Derrick and on the other hand he has to be relieved that the others survived. It sets up a touch situation for the narrator’s feelings and internal struggles.
As far as suggestions I would say I want to actually know more about the father. I feel like that he is a central character to the story so I want to know more about his personality aside from him just being guilty over the car accident. I also thought that there should be a couple more spots of light-heartenedness (don’t think that’s a word). Such as, maybe a nice comment said about who Derrick was so that we know something about the person who is being grieved over. I suppose humor is difficult because it’s such a serious situation, but your dialogue was so funny in your last story that I wanted to see more.
I’d like to see some personality within the other characters too. I feel like there is a lot of action going on, which is great, but now you may want to consider dressing up the personalities of the father, Kate, Robin, and Mrs. Stephanie. <-- btw make sure to MRS instead of Miss. ;) I mean if they’re are married, which I assumed they were because he calls her step mom.
Overall, I think you’ve got a lot of good things here, and the potential for a goof story. I just want to see a little more character development within the narrative! Good job!
What's going on in the kitchen? Response to "Baking Cookies"
Patrick,
“Baking Cookies” is about a mother’s sexually abusive relationship with her young son, Matt. The “games” that they play are the ongoing conflict, as well as the social worker who continuously shows up at the house trying to figure out if the mother is abusing Matt because she’s been informed by the father of what’s going on. The more significant problem underlying the narrative is that Matt doesn’t feel that these “games” are bad, in fact it seems that he enjoys them because it’s the way his mother shows her “affection” for him.
So, what’s going on in the kitchen? As you know, I really love the eery tone of this story. I think you captured the tension of the mother/son relationship really well. It was a nice build up. The first couple of pages contain some of my favorite lines. For instance, the line, “Before I could turn on my stool, I felt her squishing into my back, her lips kissing the top of my head.” This is before we know of the true nature of the mother and it was a subtle implication that something is just not quite right. I just see her disgusting squishy lips on his head and her long fingernails.
On another note, I also really love the sugary descriptions of baking cooking paired with the lingering idea that the mother is a little too “sweet” on her child. The confectioner’s sugar compared with powdered sugar and all the other details and narrative about baking was really effective and it helped me to see the world he lives in. Frankly, I was disturbed. So thanks. :) In addition, I really enjoyed the child narrative voice. I love the line, “My teacher once told me that eggshells had a lot of calcium in them, like the human bone did, and that, without calcium, kids my age wouldn‟t be able to play the same way we do now.” It also shows Matt is at that vulnerable age where he believes just about everything he’s told, thus why he trusts his creepo mother.
As far as suggestions go. . .
I’d like to know exactly how old the child is. I don’t know if I missed it, but I feel that’s important to the background detail. I guess spelling test start in first gradeish? He still calls his mother Mom, too. So there were just a couple of times where I got distracted trying to guess the age of the Matt. He seems like a really smart kid.
I think I’d also like to know the motivation behind the mother abusing Matt. I know there’s no good reason for sexual abuse, but I’d like maybe a little information explaining maybe what’s driven her to such extremes. I mean she is touching his poopy spot. Woof. She seems pretty messed up. Maybe her having a psychological disorder (which is pretty much implicated by the simple fact of the situation!) or maybe he gets sad because he doesn’t have many friends and that’s her way to comfort him. I want a little more psychological conflict. I know the mom claims to have been abused by Matt’s dad, but it apparent he is more of the responsible one considering he informed someone and that’s probably why they separated.
Overall, this story is right up my alley. I love creepy drenched in syrup. ;) Good job, Patrick. I’m happy I got to see your demented side. HA
“Baking Cookies” is about a mother’s sexually abusive relationship with her young son, Matt. The “games” that they play are the ongoing conflict, as well as the social worker who continuously shows up at the house trying to figure out if the mother is abusing Matt because she’s been informed by the father of what’s going on. The more significant problem underlying the narrative is that Matt doesn’t feel that these “games” are bad, in fact it seems that he enjoys them because it’s the way his mother shows her “affection” for him.
So, what’s going on in the kitchen? As you know, I really love the eery tone of this story. I think you captured the tension of the mother/son relationship really well. It was a nice build up. The first couple of pages contain some of my favorite lines. For instance, the line, “Before I could turn on my stool, I felt her squishing into my back, her lips kissing the top of my head.” This is before we know of the true nature of the mother and it was a subtle implication that something is just not quite right. I just see her disgusting squishy lips on his head and her long fingernails.
On another note, I also really love the sugary descriptions of baking cooking paired with the lingering idea that the mother is a little too “sweet” on her child. The confectioner’s sugar compared with powdered sugar and all the other details and narrative about baking was really effective and it helped me to see the world he lives in. Frankly, I was disturbed. So thanks. :) In addition, I really enjoyed the child narrative voice. I love the line, “My teacher once told me that eggshells had a lot of calcium in them, like the human bone did, and that, without calcium, kids my age wouldn‟t be able to play the same way we do now.” It also shows Matt is at that vulnerable age where he believes just about everything he’s told, thus why he trusts his creepo mother.
As far as suggestions go. . .
I’d like to know exactly how old the child is. I don’t know if I missed it, but I feel that’s important to the background detail. I guess spelling test start in first gradeish? He still calls his mother Mom, too. So there were just a couple of times where I got distracted trying to guess the age of the Matt. He seems like a really smart kid.
I think I’d also like to know the motivation behind the mother abusing Matt. I know there’s no good reason for sexual abuse, but I’d like maybe a little information explaining maybe what’s driven her to such extremes. I mean she is touching his poopy spot. Woof. She seems pretty messed up. Maybe her having a psychological disorder (which is pretty much implicated by the simple fact of the situation!) or maybe he gets sad because he doesn’t have many friends and that’s her way to comfort him. I want a little more psychological conflict. I know the mom claims to have been abused by Matt’s dad, but it apparent he is more of the responsible one considering he informed someone and that’s probably why they separated.
Overall, this story is right up my alley. I love creepy drenched in syrup. ;) Good job, Patrick. I’m happy I got to see your demented side. HA
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