Shelby,
So I really like this short short story. I feel like it’s simply about the comfort of the narrator’s mother checking on her child later in the night after initially tucking her in and turning on a movie or the TV. The narrator is conditioned to her mother coming back into the room, turning off the TV, and being quiet so that she doesn’t wake her. But, we know that the narrator can’t go to sleep unless this happens. However, on this particular night the narrator doesn’t struggle to stay awake to wait up on her mother, and instead she wakes after her mother has left the room and she then can’t go back to sleep so she turns the TV on. I took this as possibly the narrator is getting older and she’s less dependent on her mom.
I like the simplicity of this story. The perfume, the concept of tucking in, the childhood innocence, and the way the TV is integrated into the piece. It seems familiar to me and I think it’s very relatable to my own childhood. I like the nostalgic tone; it seems to be less nostalgic of childhood and more reminiscent of the mother’s role in the child’s life. I could be reading too much into it. This story made me yawn, but in a good way. :) You capture sleepiness really well, as well as security. I enjoyed the description of the mother’s lavender vanilla scent and cool hands, the narrator’s heavy eyelids, the TV being cut off and the room plunging into darkness. These were all working for me.
As far as suggestions go I’d like to know why the narrator didn’t stay up and wait for the mother like the other nights. Why didn’t she fight sleep that night since she tells us it was her favorite part of the day? The ending is interesting and I wanted to know a little more as to why it happened. She turns back on the TV because she realizes her mother has already been in her room and that comforts her. So, what is this supposed to say about the relationship between the mother and child now? I’m looking forward to discussing this story.
Overall, good job, Shelby!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Response to "From Me to You"
Patrick!
Hello Darling,
“From Me to You” is a unique story about a guy who describes the death of his Cousin Debbie’s husband, Albert, and the effect this loss has on her and the rest of his family on Thanksgiving. The narrator recounts the marriage of Debbie and Albert, and tells how he tries to console Debbie while the rest of the family tries to adjust to the situation during this holiday. The central conflict for the narrator is knowing how to handle being there for his cousin through her suffering.
There are a lot of elements I really enjoyed about this story. First, I love the details about the dinner and the menudo soup. I could smell/taste it and I don’t even know what it is. The meal was a nice backdrop and it added to the tone/mood of your story. I also really like how you’ve integrated mexican culture in as well. It makes the Thanksgiving more interesting and adds personality to the family. I like the details about the wedding and the pueblo-style architecture. I also really like the image of Debbie putting her greyed wedding dress back on, sitting at the table, and the smelly menudo dribbling out of her mouth. Very sad, thanks. :)
As far as suggestions go I’m not entirely sure the character changes by the end of the story. The story is more about Debbie and her struggle and the narrator feeling her pain. I want to see him go through more of a significant change by the end. Is the change when he looks in the mirror at himself and wonders if he’ll ever go back to his old self?Also, there were some points where I wanted to see less summary and more in depth details about why Debbie and the narrator are so close. I like the idea of the story being about cousins because it’s unconventional but I want to know why he is the closest to her in the family, or that’s the way it seems, and I would like to see even a couple more scenes of them interacting with one another in the past. Instead of comforting her over the death for the majority.
Overall, job well done Patrick!
Hello Darling,
“From Me to You” is a unique story about a guy who describes the death of his Cousin Debbie’s husband, Albert, and the effect this loss has on her and the rest of his family on Thanksgiving. The narrator recounts the marriage of Debbie and Albert, and tells how he tries to console Debbie while the rest of the family tries to adjust to the situation during this holiday. The central conflict for the narrator is knowing how to handle being there for his cousin through her suffering.
There are a lot of elements I really enjoyed about this story. First, I love the details about the dinner and the menudo soup. I could smell/taste it and I don’t even know what it is. The meal was a nice backdrop and it added to the tone/mood of your story. I also really like how you’ve integrated mexican culture in as well. It makes the Thanksgiving more interesting and adds personality to the family. I like the details about the wedding and the pueblo-style architecture. I also really like the image of Debbie putting her greyed wedding dress back on, sitting at the table, and the smelly menudo dribbling out of her mouth. Very sad, thanks. :)
As far as suggestions go I’m not entirely sure the character changes by the end of the story. The story is more about Debbie and her struggle and the narrator feeling her pain. I want to see him go through more of a significant change by the end. Is the change when he looks in the mirror at himself and wonders if he’ll ever go back to his old self?Also, there were some points where I wanted to see less summary and more in depth details about why Debbie and the narrator are so close. I like the idea of the story being about cousins because it’s unconventional but I want to know why he is the closest to her in the family, or that’s the way it seems, and I would like to see even a couple more scenes of them interacting with one another in the past. Instead of comforting her over the death for the majority.
Overall, job well done Patrick!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Response to "Swiss Cheese"
Hello Allison,
First, I think it’s super strange that we both workshopped on the same say both times and we have had small parallels in our story like the names in our first ones and now the blood and suicide attempts. WEIRD.
Okay,
So, “Swiss Cheese” is about a girl named Brett who is working as a surgical intern at a hospital and she is assigned to a patient, Jack Goodman, who escapes from prison and severely injures himself by his third unsuccessful attempt at committing suicide. Jack is scheduled for execution in the next week for murdering six women and the conflict is that he wants to control how he dies instead of it being imposed on him like lethal injection. Thus, the conflict is that Brett has to choose how to handle Jack’s situation as a surgeon-- he wants to die.
I like the concept of this story. I always wonder how they handle these types of situations. People die in prison all the time, but if someone is severely injured they have to take care of them, even if they are one death row.
First, I think it’s cool the idea that Brett in some bizarre way sympathizes with this monster. It’s very dark. It’s almost as if witnessing the tragic death of her parents has allowed her to have some connection to Jack and his murders. She mentions being intrigued by him. She’s less offended than I expect by things although she expresses hating him because he didn’t care they saved him. At times she seems cold and detached. Like when she refuses to feel sorry for Jack about his sexual abuse not because he’s murdered women, but because she’s feels his tragic experiences pale in comparison to hers.
I really enjoyed the dream scene. The images and descriptions were chilling and believable. I think that was my favorite part. Also, you have a very good description of setting throughout most of your story. I really loved the line, “Lacerated flesh and orange jumpsuit intermingled with blood; colors like a sunset against the flashing red lights of the ambulance.” It was poetic matched with the image of flesh and blood. Very cool.
Okay, so as far as suggestions go-- 2 small things first
I had a hard time dealing with the main character’s name being Brett. It took a long time to get used to and it was pretty distracting, especially in the beginning. I like boy/girl names but Brett is such a common dude’s name it’s hard to get over without it being addressed by the character or joked about.
I think the title is strange. I’m horrible with titles, so I can’t give you a whole lot of suggestions, but maybe something with bananas instead? Since you mention them more throughout the story. I wasn’t completely sure if it was because when he died something happened with his brain? In that case keep it, guess I’ll figure out today. :)
Okay, next I think that you have really strong descriptions in your story, but I feel like sometimes the similes and metaphors are a little excessive. In places it’s great, but it takes away from the fluidity of the story and the narrator’s voice. It was mostly just in the beginning where I noticed a lot (like a vulture, sweat like gravel, like being doused in poisonous sunscreen, like a dead mouse, like iron in her mouth). I would consider taking out some of the similes just because I began to notice and it became distracting.
I also had a difficult time understanding Brett’s motivations. It never got completely through to me why she helped Jack. I like that she did but I think that because he murdered six women her feelings would have been different. I would keep the death row conflict because it drives the story but I might consider changing his crime and occupation. It hindered me from connecting with Jack in the way I wanted to. I sympathized with him in a weird way because of his tone- but at the same time I think I only sympathized with him because I didn’t truly believe his crime. Something didn’t match up. So that caused me to question Brett’s motivations because I wanted to understand him the way she did.
Anyway, I gotta stop writing now.
Ha, good job, Allison!
First, I think it’s super strange that we both workshopped on the same say both times and we have had small parallels in our story like the names in our first ones and now the blood and suicide attempts. WEIRD.
Okay,
So, “Swiss Cheese” is about a girl named Brett who is working as a surgical intern at a hospital and she is assigned to a patient, Jack Goodman, who escapes from prison and severely injures himself by his third unsuccessful attempt at committing suicide. Jack is scheduled for execution in the next week for murdering six women and the conflict is that he wants to control how he dies instead of it being imposed on him like lethal injection. Thus, the conflict is that Brett has to choose how to handle Jack’s situation as a surgeon-- he wants to die.
I like the concept of this story. I always wonder how they handle these types of situations. People die in prison all the time, but if someone is severely injured they have to take care of them, even if they are one death row.
First, I think it’s cool the idea that Brett in some bizarre way sympathizes with this monster. It’s very dark. It’s almost as if witnessing the tragic death of her parents has allowed her to have some connection to Jack and his murders. She mentions being intrigued by him. She’s less offended than I expect by things although she expresses hating him because he didn’t care they saved him. At times she seems cold and detached. Like when she refuses to feel sorry for Jack about his sexual abuse not because he’s murdered women, but because she’s feels his tragic experiences pale in comparison to hers.
I really enjoyed the dream scene. The images and descriptions were chilling and believable. I think that was my favorite part. Also, you have a very good description of setting throughout most of your story. I really loved the line, “Lacerated flesh and orange jumpsuit intermingled with blood; colors like a sunset against the flashing red lights of the ambulance.” It was poetic matched with the image of flesh and blood. Very cool.
Okay, so as far as suggestions go-- 2 small things first
I had a hard time dealing with the main character’s name being Brett. It took a long time to get used to and it was pretty distracting, especially in the beginning. I like boy/girl names but Brett is such a common dude’s name it’s hard to get over without it being addressed by the character or joked about.
I think the title is strange. I’m horrible with titles, so I can’t give you a whole lot of suggestions, but maybe something with bananas instead? Since you mention them more throughout the story. I wasn’t completely sure if it was because when he died something happened with his brain? In that case keep it, guess I’ll figure out today. :)
Okay, next I think that you have really strong descriptions in your story, but I feel like sometimes the similes and metaphors are a little excessive. In places it’s great, but it takes away from the fluidity of the story and the narrator’s voice. It was mostly just in the beginning where I noticed a lot (like a vulture, sweat like gravel, like being doused in poisonous sunscreen, like a dead mouse, like iron in her mouth). I would consider taking out some of the similes just because I began to notice and it became distracting.
I also had a difficult time understanding Brett’s motivations. It never got completely through to me why she helped Jack. I like that she did but I think that because he murdered six women her feelings would have been different. I would keep the death row conflict because it drives the story but I might consider changing his crime and occupation. It hindered me from connecting with Jack in the way I wanted to. I sympathized with him in a weird way because of his tone- but at the same time I think I only sympathized with him because I didn’t truly believe his crime. Something didn’t match up. So that caused me to question Brett’s motivations because I wanted to understand him the way she did.
Anyway, I gotta stop writing now.
Ha, good job, Allison!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Response to "The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac"
Emily,
“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is a story about a mother who is struggling to give up her daughter, Ruth, to marry a young man named Isaac. The main conflict of the story is that Ruth’s mother seems to care deeply for her daughter but she doesn’t agree that Ruth and Isaac should be getting married so young. She wants them both to find jobs and be able to support themselves financially. Ruth has emphasized to her mother that this is God’s plan for them and that their marriage is safe in His hands.
Emily, first of all I wanted to say that I really love how sentimental your writing is. It’s delicate, while its still rich with color and smell. The descriptions of the flowers remind me a lot of your last story and the parsley and celery and gardening. So, I really liked the descriptions of the wedding’s flower arrangements. I also really like the contrast between the mother and father. The mother seems to be ultimately more concerned with money--in that she wants her daughter to be financially secure before she marries, when she goes with Ruth to the florist she says all she could see was dollar signs, and later she mentions again how she paid for the flowers. On the other hand, the father seems in full support, so it has that “daddy’s little girl” element to it which is sweet. I also loved when the mother says, “To her it was effortless; it was her joy to care for delicate things.” To me this runs parallel with how the mother is slowly realizing that Ruth is going to be able to care for marriage, because marriage in this case is such a delicate thing.
I can clearly see the mother has only good intentions for Ruth. However, as far as suggestions go I’d kind of like to see if there is another reason for the mother not wanting her to marry at a young age. I felt like there was additional reasons. Maybe something along the lines of the mother got married young and had so many issues. Some additional reason would strengthen the ending because the mother could overcome something herself. She seems to begin to change when she says, “This is just how I had imagined Ruth’s wedding” but the end I didn’t see as much change as I was hoping for. She seemed slightly more hopeful. But why is it one year that she hopes they get through. Some would say the first year is the easiest. This is the part that leads me to believe something happened in the mother’s life that has made her so strongly discourage this union.
Overall, Emily, I really liked this story. You have such a sweet aroma to your writing that I think for the most part comes straight from the heart. I’d like to see your non-fiction pieces if you have some, and if not you should write some. :)
Anyway, good job!
“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is a story about a mother who is struggling to give up her daughter, Ruth, to marry a young man named Isaac. The main conflict of the story is that Ruth’s mother seems to care deeply for her daughter but she doesn’t agree that Ruth and Isaac should be getting married so young. She wants them both to find jobs and be able to support themselves financially. Ruth has emphasized to her mother that this is God’s plan for them and that their marriage is safe in His hands.
Emily, first of all I wanted to say that I really love how sentimental your writing is. It’s delicate, while its still rich with color and smell. The descriptions of the flowers remind me a lot of your last story and the parsley and celery and gardening. So, I really liked the descriptions of the wedding’s flower arrangements. I also really like the contrast between the mother and father. The mother seems to be ultimately more concerned with money--in that she wants her daughter to be financially secure before she marries, when she goes with Ruth to the florist she says all she could see was dollar signs, and later she mentions again how she paid for the flowers. On the other hand, the father seems in full support, so it has that “daddy’s little girl” element to it which is sweet. I also loved when the mother says, “To her it was effortless; it was her joy to care for delicate things.” To me this runs parallel with how the mother is slowly realizing that Ruth is going to be able to care for marriage, because marriage in this case is such a delicate thing.
I can clearly see the mother has only good intentions for Ruth. However, as far as suggestions go I’d kind of like to see if there is another reason for the mother not wanting her to marry at a young age. I felt like there was additional reasons. Maybe something along the lines of the mother got married young and had so many issues. Some additional reason would strengthen the ending because the mother could overcome something herself. She seems to begin to change when she says, “This is just how I had imagined Ruth’s wedding” but the end I didn’t see as much change as I was hoping for. She seemed slightly more hopeful. But why is it one year that she hopes they get through. Some would say the first year is the easiest. This is the part that leads me to believe something happened in the mother’s life that has made her so strongly discourage this union.
Overall, Emily, I really liked this story. You have such a sweet aroma to your writing that I think for the most part comes straight from the heart. I’d like to see your non-fiction pieces if you have some, and if not you should write some. :)
Anyway, good job!
"Support Group"
“Support Group”is a story told from the perspective of Jules about his masturbating problem to a support group who we don’t hear from (and don’t need to really hear from!). The story examines a young man’s hatred towards himself because he cannot stop masturbating and he has no one to talk to.
I think I love this story in a very, very weird way, Paul. One of my favorite elements of the style is the voice. I can really hear this kid stammering and digressing and trailing off. The subject matter was clearly an uncomfortable one, and I am a huge fan of audience uneasiness! Ha, as you already know. I think one of the strongest parts of the story is how you’ve built Jules character and manner through his unconventional means of speaking. We get a pretty good sense from Jules the audience’s reactions to the absurd things he’s saying which I think is really effective usually very difficult to do. When you ended each paragraph with things like “I’m calm now. Sorry, everyone. I promise I’ll try and make it not happen again. See, I’m just like everyone else here.” However, he knows that’s not true. It was sentences like this that convince the readers of the audience’s negative reaction without just assuming because it’s a disturbing subject.
As far as suggestions, one of my concerns is that Jules didn’t change a whole lot throughout the story. I think part of the reason this is difficult to show is because we only get to hear from him. However, that’s also my favorite part. I think that Jules has a big problem and he knows it, because he tells us how “fucking stupid” he thinks he is time and time again. So in this case, I suppose for him to overcome a masturbation problem within one support group meeting and 7 pages is pretty unrealistic. BUT, you could have him somehow deal with his problem in a way by recognizing that it’s more normal than he thinks. Because his problem is clearly more than the obsessive masturbating. It’s more of an internalized issue. Self-loathing and fear of his addiction and that’s why he seeks out help. So maybe you could have him learn to love himself more mentally than physically. HA.
Paul, this is an interesting story. I think it’s got a lot of good qualities and the potential to be something pretty great and unusual. I think you need a little more depth to Jules background history, something that let’s readers make a connection between the masturbation stories and his life other than that to see why he his so socially dysfunctional. I think you’ve got room to expand on background information.
Overall, goof job!
I think I love this story in a very, very weird way, Paul. One of my favorite elements of the style is the voice. I can really hear this kid stammering and digressing and trailing off. The subject matter was clearly an uncomfortable one, and I am a huge fan of audience uneasiness! Ha, as you already know. I think one of the strongest parts of the story is how you’ve built Jules character and manner through his unconventional means of speaking. We get a pretty good sense from Jules the audience’s reactions to the absurd things he’s saying which I think is really effective usually very difficult to do. When you ended each paragraph with things like “I’m calm now. Sorry, everyone. I promise I’ll try and make it not happen again. See, I’m just like everyone else here.” However, he knows that’s not true. It was sentences like this that convince the readers of the audience’s negative reaction without just assuming because it’s a disturbing subject.
As far as suggestions, one of my concerns is that Jules didn’t change a whole lot throughout the story. I think part of the reason this is difficult to show is because we only get to hear from him. However, that’s also my favorite part. I think that Jules has a big problem and he knows it, because he tells us how “fucking stupid” he thinks he is time and time again. So in this case, I suppose for him to overcome a masturbation problem within one support group meeting and 7 pages is pretty unrealistic. BUT, you could have him somehow deal with his problem in a way by recognizing that it’s more normal than he thinks. Because his problem is clearly more than the obsessive masturbating. It’s more of an internalized issue. Self-loathing and fear of his addiction and that’s why he seeks out help. So maybe you could have him learn to love himself more mentally than physically. HA.
Paul, this is an interesting story. I think it’s got a lot of good qualities and the potential to be something pretty great and unusual. I think you need a little more depth to Jules background history, something that let’s readers make a connection between the masturbation stories and his life other than that to see why he his so socially dysfunctional. I think you’ve got room to expand on background information.
Overall, goof job!
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