Response to Alison's "Kids"

“Kids” is a story about a girl named Jenny who goes to church camp. The story is told from Jenny’s perspective; throughout the whole story she compares herself to the other young girls, putting emphasis on how grown up they try to be: reading cosmos, putting on make-up, shaving their legs, bringing tampons without having a period yet (the average age for females to start their period is between the ages of 11 and 12, which made that detail in the story less believable, unless it was with the intent to make the counselor Caroline seem even more idiotic), obsessing over boys, wearing push-up bras, etc. It seems that Jenny’s real purpose for being there is to read her books and “to learn about Jesus,” and she doesn’t relate to the other girls because they’re more worried about boys and how they look rather than worship which is obviously should be the main incentive for going to church camp. 

 

       First of all, I like idea of using “camp” as your setting. There’s a lot of opportunity with this place for a narrator to play around with different types of scenes (especially with it being a co-ed camp), and church camp ups the ante even more, and you seemed to have a good grasp on the types of activities and setting shined throughout the story. I really liked a lot of the descriptions in the story, especially the opening couple of pages narrating how it is when a bunch of girls are trying to get ready together in the same space. I went to Camp Winnataska for a couple of years and the chaos of everyone tripping over one another was pretty much spot on. I really liked the line, “Then Miss Caroline said when we were walking out the door and oh wait, go get your Bibles, you’ll need them.” It emphasizes she, like the campers, isn’t putting church first, without explicitly saying so. I also enjoyed the "nerdy" references, because I love HP, LotR, and Star Wars. :)

So for suggestions:

      First, The beginning of the story is chaotic, thus I understand your reasoning for including a bunch of different girls to stress this idea. However, in the first paragraph we’re given: Lauren, Miss Caroline, Mary, Chandler, Morgan, Jenna, and of course the narrator. The next paragraph we’re introduced to Hannah and Connor. While I know that some of these characters are significant to the rest of the story, the others aren’t. It shows how hectic the bathroom scene must have been for the narrator, but the effect it had was I quit trying to follow who was who and just read the action in the story. Consider replacing some of the insignificant character with “one of the girls” or something of that nature.

I had a hard time believing the narrator’s character. I understood that I was supposed to be reading her as an innocent young girl who likes to read books, but her innocence didn’t work for me unless she was home-schooled or it was made evidently clear how she was extremely sheltered. For instance, twelve and thirteen is about seventh, eighth grade range. In the scene where she goes to tell Miss Caroline something, smoke spills out of the pool house, and she “smelled something like a skunk,” I don’t particularly think a twelve or thirteen year old would be completely oblivious to what was going on. Most kids, at least in 2012, are warned against drugs and those sorts of things by this age. She also probably wouldn’t use the description “skunk” since it’s so commonly paired with pot, and with her being so innocent she would more likely address the smoke and think, “that doesn’t smell like a cigarette.”  Jenny reads books as advanced as Lord of the Rings, but she can’t decipher what “he’s so sweet make me wanna lick the wrapper” means, but refers to the “shrinking bulge” in Connors pants. I would consider making more clear why she is SO much more sheltered than the rest of the girls. Also, why would a church camp hire someone like Miss Caroline who blasts provocative rap music in the cabin with pre teen girls? I imagine the camp would usually hire young adults that they know well or who are most affiliated with the church youth groups, instead of these teenagers like Caroline and Jeremy who are not even discreet when it comes to breaking rules.

      Finally, I want to see Caroline overcome something by the end of the story. I felt she was innocent from the beginning to end and she didn’t find much out about herself. She really makes no real connections with any of the characters except Jeremy who seems to have a sort of creepo vibe because he’s a counselor borderline flirting with a younger camper. 

     I really think the story has a lot of humorous elements to it and great descriptions of actions and scenes. I just want to see more emotion involved with Jenny so that I can understand her situation better and sympathize with her more. I want to know why she’s so innocent or how she overcomes this innocence or gets corrupted or whatever. 

      Overall, good job!

Response to Matt's "Fortune"

Matt,

What a cool story! “Fortune” is about a man who describes his experience while getting robbed by two men, Joshua and Jacob, who also shoot his dog and Jacob gets shot by Joshua (I think). The narrator evokes the question, “when should you fight back?”  He wonders if he should fight for his life, but he’s doesn’t know how because he’s cornered and defenseless.

I love, love the tone of this story. The narrator is a very analytical, humorous guy even in the midst of the most intense of situation. I loved the backdrop of wheel of fortune playing on the TV. It’s an eery, sort of corny contrast with the dangerous actions going on in the story. It sort of reminds me of a Tarantino scene, which is a huge compliment from me because he’s pretty much my favorite person ever! The descriptions and imagery in the story are very strong. I like the description of Joshua’s teeth and all the great details about Duke and the narrator’s niece’s color by numbers drawing. The theme of fortune works nicely, because the narrator suggests that money and TVs and “goods” mean nothing, and his dog’s life and his niece’s art are obviously more important. You kept up the suspense in the story and the action and emotions were consistent. I also admired that the story was so strong and took place in such a short amount of time.

As far as suggestions go I would say cut some of the elevated language in the story. The character is obviously an intelligent witty guy with a wide vocabulary, but at times I felt it was distracting. The few words I marked were concupiscence, vitreous, and nonplussed. There are other words you might could use that would allow the story to flow more fluidly. (Maybe I should just work on my own vocab! ;) ) Overall, you showed that the character is smart, just try to avoid getting too “writery” and stick to everyday language for the most part so readers can stay in the scene without having to look up words.

One other thing I had a question about was why exactly does Jacob get shot or why do the shots go off? It kind of threw me off. Was it an accident or intentional? I wanted to know why Joshua turned on his accomplice or vice versa. Maybe I read something wrong. Either way I would like you to keep that in the story, I just wanted to know why it elevated to them firing at one another.

Overall, the story was really great. Awesome work, Matt!

Response to Emily's "With Stripes Across Our Bellies"

“With Stripes Across Our Bellies” is about a woman who is losing her mother to dementia. The story gives insight into the types of experiences one goes through when a loved one is suffering from memory loss, confusion, deafness, etc.

First, I really liked the voice of this story because it felt believable. Simply put, you slipped into the character of Connie really well. I could feel that sense of partial detachment Connie has, but of course aware that she is still hanging on to all the wonderful memories she has with her mother before the dementia worsened. You capture that “what can I really do” feeling that I would imagine comes along with this type of situation. Also, I appreciate that you included a lot of creative details to paint a picture in your readers’ mind, and the farm life worked exceptionally well and provided a good setting for the story. Overall, I enjoyed the descriptions of the food that the mother cooked on pages 2 and 4, such as the fresh herbs, onions, and pig-bellies. It made your story smell and taste good even though it was sad. I liked the idea that even though she’s elderly and suffering from dementia, she still chops the vegetables better than anyone else can.

Here are a couple of issues I had with certain parts of the story. I’m big about opening paragraph of stories, and I thought yours was really strong. I was lured in immediately. However,   I never read anything else about Connie contrasting the experience with her own mother with that of other patients. I liked that you kept it to the home life scenes, but for some reason I felt opening with the information about the narrator being a heart transplant coordinator evokes expectations in readers that at some future point in the story that will come into play again. 

Second, I felt the voice and tone was much stronger than the dialogue. I like that the dialogue hints at the dementia getting progressively worse, but I don’t know if it added much depth to the mother or told us anything significant about her character other than she’s losing her memory, which we already know. The idea about her forgetting that she already took her pills is good, but consider changing up the dialogue by including other areas ways her memory is slipping; not just with the pills. 

One other thing I wanted to mention was the ages of the characters in the story. I think someone else may have mentioned this in their blog, but I noticed it too. I imagined a woman in her early thirties as far as the tone of the voice goes. I know that we’re given the information at the beginning of the story that she’s been taking care of people for 25 years, but I didn’t feel it matched up with the feel of Connie’s voice. Her mother is eighty-four--and I thought she should have been younger too. 

One suggestion I have is maybe you could give us a sort of lighthearted memory Connie has about the mother; something funny. All stories about dementia are going to be sad. Maybe instead of the mother crying and putting her face in her hands when she realizes she’s losing her memory, you could have her make some sort of humorous joke about forgetting things. I think that would add more depth to the mother and show us a little more about her personality.

Overall, Emily, I enjoyed the story, the voice was strong, and I’d like to see where you go with it from here. Good job!

Response to Robert's "Curtis and Deangelo"

     “Curtis and Deangelo” is a story about two guys (who seem to be as close as brothers) who meet up at a casino in Vegas. The conflict arises when Curtis learns after they’re finished gambling that his Dad is in the hospital. D or Curtis' father (I'm not entirely sure which one) doesn't make it in the end. The story is resolved by the two going back to the Casino.
       There were a lot of creative and humorous descriptions that I really enjoyed in the story. I especially like the dialogue between the characters. It didn’t seem too “dialoggy” and it showed us each of their personalities. I felt it to be the strongest element to the story. I really like the line, “pulls on your chest hair like duck tape,” as well as the line “I’m staying at the Trump next time, there’s gold all over the place, even the damn urinals.” I thought the voices were full of personality and really functioned well in a story set in Vegas. Overall, the tone was awesome.
      The opening line says that Curtis is the type of guy who never disrespects anybody. However, in one of the first few scenes he makes a disrespectful comment to one of the bar maids, and we’re validated by D that it’s nothing new for him to treat women like that. So I’d consider revising that minor inconsistency. I just noticed because the opening should set up how you should feel about the character in some way.
      Also, my main issue with the story is that I felt like I was out of the loop a couple times, especially the scene in the cab when they’re talking about Bishop and the accident. I felt the conversation had a weird transition and I thought there were clues missing as to which accident the guys are talking about since we were just informed that Curtis’ dad was going into surgery. I also was confused by the end. At first I thought Curtis was lying to D on the phone about his dad dying because he had just found out that his dad only needed 4 months recovery time. The dialogue where , “Last night I made it home late and went to the hospital. When I got there there was a doctor in the room with nurses running around.” Then however, I realized  maybe it was D that said his Dad didn’t make it. At that point I was really confused. Are they actually brothers? I’d consider trying to make the ending more clear.
       One smaller thing I noticed was that a “Brazilian babe” took D’s jacket. How did he hook up with this woman when he had his girlfriend with him back at the hotel?
       Overall, I really want to see happens with this story. The characters were amusing and I think the setting and scenes were entertaining and creative. I was just slightly confused at points with the plot and transitions, and I think it wouldn’t be too difficult for you to fill in the gaps so that part would be cleared up. Well done!

Response to Shelby's "Beyond the Line"

          Shelby’s story, “Beyond the Line,” is about a soldier, Isaac who is in a foreign land fighting for the United States. At the beginning of the story we meet Isaac’s wife and see his struggle to leave her and go to war. In the story Isaac makes clear that he misses his wife; she is the glimmer of happiness in his situation. Isaac is ordered to fire on three different enemy locations, one of which he realizes is a school. Isaac is faced with this life-altering choice at this point in the story and he (thank gosh) decides not to fire on the school. By the end, the story is resolved because he refuses to follow orders and gets to go home to his wife.
         I really enjoyed the detailed descriptions and actions in this story. It was never difficult to visualize the scenes in my head. The story was easy to follow, and it had a very clean structure with smooth transitions. The dialogue was in the right places and the scenes were all well proportioned. Also, this may be a weird complement, but I really liked the names. Isaac and Sophie I thought were interesting names that were not too bizarre, overdone, or bland. In addition, I thought the speaker was overall pretty knowledgeable about the subject and the sort of “soldier jargon” if that makes since which made the story believable.
        I wanted to know a little more about Isaac. The story is centralized around him but I feel like I don’t know who he is apart from the honorable soldier that misses his wife. I learned that he is respectable, and wouldn’t kill a whole school of children regardless if he was ordered to do so because he stands up for himself. The scenes and setting are all there. I just think that I’d like to see more depth to Isaac’s character. What sets him apart from other soldiers aside from deciding not to take fire on the school? I want to know more about his personality. I’m sure it’s difficult to develop the character of a soldier since he has a certain person he has to be around the other officials. Maybe you could include in the scene where he’s trying to fall asleep him reminiscing on a memory he had in the past with Sophie. She seems to be an important character in that the story begins and concludes with her.
      Overall, I love everything you’ve got. Again, it was well set up and the descriptions were very detailed and you worked nicely. Maybe just consider adding one other scene so we can get another glimmer of light (Sophie memory?) before he’s challenged with the decision. It would add to his motivation and struggle.

Response to "Dress Rehearsal" by Christina Kettering

       “Dress Rehearsal” is a story about two sisters who are in high school who have some minor struggles that revolve around each other being so close in age. Kate is the older and ironically the more insecure of the two sisters, but she’s also the more responsible and easier to please. She hesitates to say yes to Sean to go with him to the prom, so he asks Diana. It’s apparent throughout the story that Kate feels in competition with her younger sister. Diana dresses her up like a doll when they are shopping for prom dresses, and she lets her call the shots for the majority of the time. She complains to Sean that her teacher called her Diana again and she messes up on rehearsal and she replaces her lines with, “Hi, yes. My name is Kate. I'm Diana's sister, her older sister. I'm the tall one, the responsible one, the redhead. And I'm going to buy a prom dress.”
    Overall, I really enjoyed the story. I found it easy to follow for the most part, except for a couple times in the dialogue when I had to reread to see which of the sisters were talking. I really enjoyed the settings of the story. I liked the dressing room and the theater element. Those are fun places to play around with. I also like the descriptions of the dresses when they're shopping, and overall there were a lot of great descriptions. I liked the line describing the purple sleeveless dress that “whispered of mystery and intrigue anytime she moved.” I wouldn’t mind having a dress like that. :)
    We start to see some of the tension between the sisters, but I felt like there needed to be more intense conflict. I want to see a more significant difference between the two. The problem was too easily revolved by the end, and I’m not sure that character overcame enough. I’d like to see Kate stand up for herself or shine brighter in some way; for instance, maybe you could have Kate fill in for the star role (because the lead actually does break her leg, haha) and then she nails her performance. It could be her way of finally overshadowing her sister.
    In addition, I felt like I didn’t know as much as I should about Kate’s relationship with Sean. He seems to be an important character within the story, and I didn’t feel like I was given enough information to decide how Kate feels really feels about him. I want to know more about Kate because the story is centralized around her, yet I feel I know Diana’s character more. I know that Kate is consumed with college applications, and I know that she is supposedly best friends with Sean. However, I wasn’t sure if her feelings were more than that for him. He seems to really like Kate, and he ends up canceling plans with Diana. Is she relieved for any other reason besides her sister getting out of making an excuse not to go with him? I wasn’t sure how Kate changed by the end. Again, I’d like to see the story have more conflict, and you may can do that by intensifying the situation with Sean, perhaps having him cause a bigger issue between the sisters, or at least make Kate’s feelings towards him more explicit.
    Overall, I really liked the concept of the competitive sister relationship. The descriptive imagery and setting set the scene, now I’d just like to see the tension amplified within the characters. :) Good job!

Response to "Brotherly Love" by Kevin Boy

    “Brotherly Love,” is a story about two brothers, William and Steven, who are raising Steven’s kids. (I’m assuming the wife died because of the emphasis on family pictures, William doesn’t think Steven should keep “doing this” to himself, etc.)William is offered a better job, which means more money for everybody. The conflict is that the job requires the whole family to move, and Steven doesn’t want to move out of the house because three generations have lived there including his kids.
    First of all, I want to say I really enjoyed/cringed at the opening lines of your story. The image of a finger being sliced catches your readers’ attention, and I immediately wanted to keep reading. I liked the line, “A flap of torn skin, dripped red onto the plate in front of him, stained the corner of a loaf of bread.” Bread soaking up blood is nasty.
    One of the initial issues I had with the story is the confusion with characters in the beginning. I had to read back over a few times to understand the play on names with “William” being called “Aunt Wilma” and Samantha being called “Samuel.” I like that your intention is to create a playful relationship between these two characters, but changing around the names so early in the story is a bit distracting.
    One part that I found odd was the section about William’s rolled cigarette he keeps in his pocket. I never really understand why he kept it? Did his friend die from smoking? The speaker just explains to Sam that a friend smoked their whole lives since he turned fifteen and he keeps it to remember not to try it. So it just seems bizarre to me that someone would keep the same cigarette in his or her pocket just take it out to look at it to remember not to, instead showing that they have to resist the urge to smoke it. It may make more sense if William used to smoke and now he keeps one of his friends cigarettes to remind him of him.
    I also really like the humor between the brothers. I imagine them being these sort of grizzly Vince Vaughn type guys. I like the line, “Such a good butler I hired.”
    I must admit I’m still slightly confused by the ending for a few reasons. First, I wanted the robbery to be some kind of set up with one of the brothers playing a prank or something of that nature instead of a real one. The ending made me think it may have been a prank, but I’m still not quite sure. Second, I felt like the father or uncle of a little girl (one that only comes up to the hip)  should’ve been urged to get out of the room as soon as possible if the robber had a gun! Instead of thinking way to go saving the day, Sam, I was thinking, nice parenting, guys. (Ha). Maybe consider revising the ending in some way that seems serious but it was actually just a ploy to get Sam to agree to moving. I think the story has a lot of potential, and I really like the idea of the “brotherly love” theme. I’d really like to see the brother’s relationship take control of the story.

Response to Janelle's Story "The Truth Behind the Window"

       Janelle’s short story “The Truth Behind the Window” is about a young woman who passes her time by looking out of the window and observing the facade of suburbia. Christina is in a unhappy marriage with a verbally abusive man named Theo. The only excitement she gets out of her days are when Theo is gone and she can survey her neighbors pretending to be something they’re not. Christina rejects this lifestyle and acknowledges it’s faults, but she is consumed by it at the same time. I feel sympathy for Christina. She seems to never get out of the house and she doesn’t stick up for herself when her husband mistreats her.
       I love the tone of this story. It has this reflective, weary feel to it that carries through from the opening lines talking about the rain pattering on the window to the last line “she could see the truths they so desperately tried to hide.” The window is an appropriate extended metaphor for the barrier between Christina and her neighbors and husband. Also, I thought what added to that was the narrator’s often times poetic voice. I like the description of the rise and fall of the daylight, and how Christina is described as still watching when the sun goes down which elevates the mood of the story for me.
    One thing is I wanted more of Christina. I would like to understand more about her relationship with Theo. He’s a jerk. If I read about a character who is tolerating verbal abuse from her husband, I want to know why. Why does Christina submissively go upstairs and change her outfit? She doesn't seem to love her husband at all anyway. I do not tolerate men calling women fat. So I want Christina to either grow a backbone or offer some idea of why she puts up with what she does especially when she’s so sad. What good has come from there relationship? If nothing, what ties her to him? Did he change? Was he a loving man before they moved to the neighborhood? I love that she’s detached or apathetic at times about her life, or in other words she’s content in some ways because she gets to see the real sides of these people, so she finds honestly through that but I’d like to know a little more to why she’s like this.  I think these are ideas that could be played around with to strengthen Christina as a character. I’d like to see her completely hypocritical or stand up for herself.
    I really loved some moments of the dialogue with Elizabeth trying to ride the bike. You have her spunk and captured the voice of a young child well. Overall, I really dug it. I just want more scenes, more about Christina. :D

"She is dust to me inside this silverness..." Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"

          Aimee Bender’s short story “Off” is about a spoiled rich, overly confident (perhaps narcissistic is a better word),  overly sexual?, young woman who declares that her mission for the night is to kiss a blonde, black, and red haired guy. The voice is really awesome and besides the obvious imaginative element she brings to each scene it was the most prominent part of her style that stuck out to me in the story.
      Readers are completely inside the head of the narrator. What I mean by that, and what sets this story apart from the others we read, is that the sentences run on on and on, and the narrator doesn’t stop to make her sentences more clear or easier to read. BUT, it is clear, because this is essentially how we talk in our heads or how we may go about telling a story to our friend.

And....and...and.....and....(I loved how she started so many sentences with And).

     We are able to follow her actions while hearing her bitchy commentary on everything. There’s a certain comfortableness when reading this voice for me. It seems effortless, which makes it seem completely sincere. Sometimes when a story is written in first person it’s difficult to judge the sincerity of the voice, but because this narrator doesn’t really care what I think it builds her character in my opinion. It shows us more about her eccentricity and insensitivity to those around her, those that she confirms more than once she is better than.  One line that was great that showed how overly confident was when she said, “but lady she is dust next to me inside this silverness.” Those subtle creative linguistic choices really added depth to her character.

      I have to point out a couple parts that I thought were brilliant ways to develop her character. First, I thought the art/artist theme was really creative. She gives us a little history on how her old art teacher never noticed the weapons and the “bad” things she added into her paintings. She signs her name on the evaluation she fills out to get her teacher fired. Again, it shows us people are beneath her. There is a significant difference between being an honest character and being a brutally honest character. It really makes her come to life.

      Another section I thought was creative was pretty much everything on 113. She complains about getting in a bad mood and then says, “And I still have one flavor to go.” Flavor is significant here because it shows us how the guys she is trying to conquer are merely flavors. She doesn’t care so much about their emotions or search for anything deeper from anyone. She just wants a taste. This shows up too with some of the female relations she mentions. For instance, on 116 she talks about the host of the party, “we never touched but she still always blushed like crazy.” I don’t think Bender is hinting at her being bisexual, but more so that the character believes that everyone guy and girl wants her. They just have to. For her, the people at the party are disposable flavors. Pawns put there for her to play with. The only person who’s really consistent is Adam.

This is one of my favorite stories we've read. I learned a lot from the playfulness of the voice.

Not Just Another Teen Short Story: The Love of My Life (Boyle)

         I really enjoyed this story! Personally, I thought the beginning description painted a realistic picture according to what many young high school relationships look like. The first time you’re “in love” is different from rest. Blind and foolish. I loved the line “. . . they kissed wherever they met, no matter where or when, even if one of them had just stepped out the room, because that was love, that was the way love was. . .” He narrator emphasizes the idea of “that was love” for them to acknowledge how you may think you love someone when you’re sixteen--but with no responsibility. Jeremy’s responsibility moves from making a decision on what ice cream flavor he wants--to “comforting” his pregnant teenage girlfriend. He doesn’t know how to do it. He pretty much gives up on her. So, the conflict starts out with the tension of hiding the pregnancy and how it puts a strain on the couple’s relationship (obviously). Subsequently, it escalates to her having the baby with no doctor or anesthetic in a hotel room, killing the baby, the arrests, juvenile detention, embarrassment, China’s charges being dropped, ect. I admired that Boyle just didn’t stop shocking me, he never got too crazy where I felt this story was unbelievable but he was persistent with the tension and turns in the mood.   
           (Let’s say the worst of the “Teen Moms” meets Casey Anthony and they draw names to decide who gets to have a love child with the girl from the article titled “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I went to pee at school and there was a baby in toilet,” then this story would be said love child.... However, I don’t know if it’s mother is Casey or not.)
       What I mean by that is while it’s insane to sympathize with ignorant teenagers--especially those who KILL their baby, you can’t help but feel a sorry for China and question how she may have felt about the baby if Jeremy would have been more supportive. Does it make it right? No. But, did she really think it was dead?
     Boyle takes you for a bumpy ride on who readers should sympathize with. You can’t help but feel sorry for China. She’s crying in the arms of Jeremy who says he “loves her” but can’t seem to understand why she’s so stupid sometimes. He urges her to “get rid of it,” (verrry loving) but she can’t even look at him. He doesn’t know what to do. When their daughter is born she tells Jeremy to “get rid of it,” because she feels if she doesn’t she may lose Jeremy. However, she already had. He could summon anything about her in his head--not even her face. She wasn’t the same girl he loved. She had to choose between Jeremy and the baby, and she made the wrong one. He didn't want anything to do with it anyway.
        I took notice of how skillfully Boyle creates the naivety and teenage innocence of China and Jeremy. He describes China on the phone with her mom half-listening with “uh-huhs,” sticking her finger in the ice cream, sliding around the kitchen in her socks. He never directly says “they were just poor little teenagers.” He makes us feel that syrupy love bubble they’re stuck in--the triviality of their worries before the pregnancy.
        I also found that when the story moves from the the camping trip to when we find out she’s pregnant months later, there is a dark cloud that takes over Boyle’s writing and the quick shift is really effective in this case, because that’s exactly what pregnancy would feel like to a teen: cast a dark light on everything in your life, especially since China had to go through the exhaustion of hiding it.
         So what do I make at the end? Jeremy is scummy, but she still loves him the end. I’m not sure if I 100% believe she didn’t know it was dead, even if she took a polygraph. Either way, I have to feel for China in a pathetic sort of way.

Response to "Vacation from Boyhood" by Cole Stuart

      “Vacation from Boyhood” is a story about two geeky guys (the narrator and Connor) who have been friends since kindergarten. They go off to college and maintain and strengthen their friendship by communicating via Facebook about various topics, but more importantly reflect on their experiences together as kids. The two eventually plan one final adventure and decide to go on a “manly” weekend trip to an ice fishing cabin in Wisconsin. However, as the story progresses the narrator reveals how their goofy boyishness gets in the way of having that “manly” wilderness experience one may expect. For instance, the fire wood was already chopped (which was fortunate and humorous considering he fails at his attempt to chop a piece), Connor forgets to open the flu to the chimney, and they get sidetracked by the idea of watching the meteor shower, which finally results in burning the cabin down.
    I love the idea of guys trying to be more masculine than they naturally are. There were certain parts of the story I found really humorous. I enjoyed the “manly” banter in the truck on the way to the cabin. The line, “I hardly slept last night because I was up late watching Vin Diesel movies,” made me laugh. I also liked the idea of attempting to use a map for directions, but then giving up and plugging in the GPS.
    One suggestion I feel like would strengthen the story would be to cut out some of the back story of the guys’ friendship-- you could show more about your characters in certain scenes and within the dialog rather than telling readers “how animated and loud the guys get when planning something that could lead to excitement.” I want to know more specific details about who they are and what exactly makes them "idea men."
    I wanted to see more dialog between the guys like the conversation in the truck. I liked the witticism “I’m really strong,” because it stuck out more to me than the drier dialog. It shows more about the narrator’s sense of humor and tone of the guys’ relationship. Overall, I wanted to know more in depth details about the characters rather than focusing so heavily on the reassurance of the narrator’s manliness.
    I felt the narrator’s voice suited a guy maybe in his later years of high school rather than college, but the narrator states that “they were so in college.” At that point I took them to be sort of naive or nerdy guys. Furthermore, later in the story the guys buy beer, which would mean they must be 21 or older. This made parts of the story less believable for me, because I didn’t feel the characters’ voices entirely matched their age.
    Overall, I really enjoyed the story. I especially appreciated the goofy humor--I want to see more of it! The last line was really effective, because I wasn’t really expecting it.
Good Job!

Response on "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica"

       “The Day Beverly Lost Jessica” is a story about a woman who is threatened by the entertainment industry because she feels it is taking her “little girl” away from her. Beverly is supportive of her daughter pursuing her dream as a singer/dancer, but on the other hand she’s uncomfortable with placing her in the hands of this particular business, “WORLD WIDE MUSIC"; essentially, because it’s forcing her to grow up too fast. The author does a nice of job of creating a reluctant tone within the mother. Specifically, the line that says, “she would never again see her daughter’s hair bounce from side to side in a pony tail as she walked.” Thirteen is a significant age, because it’s the age where a person, in this case Jessica, is becoming a teenager. He also addresses her fear of this transition (from Easter egg painting to experimenting with drugs, ect) which I liked. 
    I feel the narrator has a good grasp on the tone he’s trying to convey from each character, however there were parts where I felt a little disconnected from who was talking--I felt out of the loop at times. For instance, the line “Lose yourself. This is the moment you‟ve been waiting for.” In the course of the dialog there were italicized interjections where I wasn’t sure who was talking. I couldn’t decipher if they were supposed to be bits of one of the other artists singing in the background, or if this was the daughter singing in the recording room to herself, or if it was just on the radio. I think while dialog tags should be used sparingly, this would have been an appropriate place to let your reader know who is speaking. If it were a song there could be something as simple as “The DJ keeps playing my song,” Beverly frowned as she tried to tune out the dissonant sound coming from the room across the hall. I think these are easy revisions that could make the story more fluid.
    I also felt the story used a lot of specific (and humorous) references to Youtube. Personally, I don’t mind because I always enjoy comic relevancy, especially when it’s geared towards the younger generation. However, some may argue that these references won’t always hold up over time. BUT- in some ways I found it effective because the mother didn’t seem to "get them" either. So, it kind of works in the context of the story-- by showing that considerable generation gap between the two. So, I think could work either way.
    Overall, I really loved the concept of "growing up too fast" especially at the expense of the entertainment industry. It reflects on how technology is changing the entertainment industry. We don’t have to become famous organically anymore. Even “nobodies” can become famous basically through the internet, and it's kind of scary. :)