Response to Shelby's "A Flicker in the Night"

Shelby,

        So I really like this short short story. I feel like it’s simply about the comfort of the narrator’s mother checking on her child later in the night after initially tucking her in and turning on a movie or the TV. The narrator is conditioned to her mother coming back into the room, turning off the TV, and being quiet so that she doesn’t wake her. But, we know that the narrator can’t go to sleep unless this happens. However, on this particular night the narrator doesn’t struggle to stay awake to wait up on her mother, and instead she wakes after her mother has left the room and she then can’t go back to sleep so she turns the TV on. I took this as possibly the narrator is getting older and she’s less dependent on her mom.
        I like the simplicity of this story. The perfume, the concept of tucking in, the childhood innocence, and the way the TV is integrated into the piece. It seems familiar to me and I think it’s very relatable to my own childhood. I like the nostalgic tone; it seems to be less nostalgic of childhood and more reminiscent of the mother’s role in the child’s life. I could be reading too much into it. This story made me yawn, but in a good way. :) You capture sleepiness really well, as well as security. I enjoyed the description of the mother’s lavender vanilla scent and cool hands, the narrator’s heavy eyelids, the TV being cut off and the room plunging into darkness. These were all working for me.
        As far as suggestions go I’d like to know why the narrator didn’t stay up and wait for the mother like the other nights. Why didn’t she fight sleep that night since she tells us it was her favorite part of the day? The ending is interesting and I wanted to know a little more as to why it happened. She turns back on the TV because she realizes her mother has already been in her room and that comforts her. So, what is this supposed to say about the relationship between the mother and child now? I’m looking forward to discussing this story.
    Overall, good job, Shelby!

Response to "From Me to You"

Patrick!

Hello Darling,

“From Me to You” is a unique story about a guy who describes the death of his Cousin Debbie’s husband, Albert, and the effect this loss has on her and the rest of his family on Thanksgiving. The narrator recounts the marriage of Debbie and Albert, and tells how he tries to console Debbie while the rest of the family tries to adjust to the situation during this holiday. The central conflict for the narrator is knowing how to handle being there for his cousin through her suffering.
    There are a lot of elements I really enjoyed about this story. First, I love the details about the dinner and the menudo soup. I could smell/taste it and I don’t even know what it is. The meal was a nice backdrop and it added to the tone/mood of your story. I also really like how you’ve integrated mexican culture in as well. It makes the Thanksgiving more interesting and adds personality to the family. I like the details about the wedding and the pueblo-style architecture. I also really like the image of Debbie putting her greyed wedding dress back on, sitting at the table, and the smelly menudo dribbling out of her mouth. Very sad, thanks. :)
    As far as suggestions go I’m not entirely sure the character changes by the end of the story. The story is more about Debbie and her struggle and the narrator feeling her pain. I want to see him go through more of a significant change by the end. Is the change when he looks in the mirror at himself and wonders if he’ll ever go back to his old self?Also, there were some points where I wanted to see less summary and more in depth details about why Debbie and the narrator are so close. I like the idea of the story being about cousins because it’s unconventional but I want to know why he is the closest to her in the family, or that’s the way it seems, and I would like to see even a couple more scenes of them interacting with one another in the past. Instead of comforting her over the death for the majority.
    Overall, job well done Patrick!

Response to "Swiss Cheese"

Hello Allison,

First, I think it’s super strange that we both workshopped on the same say both times and we have had small parallels in our story like the names in our first ones and now the blood and suicide attempts. WEIRD.

Okay,

So, “Swiss Cheese” is about a girl named Brett who is working as a surgical intern at a hospital and she is assigned to a patient, Jack Goodman, who escapes from prison and severely injures himself by his third unsuccessful attempt at committing suicide. Jack is scheduled for execution in the next week for murdering six women and the conflict is that he wants to control how he dies instead of it being imposed on him like lethal injection. Thus, the conflict is that Brett has to choose how to handle Jack’s situation as a surgeon-- he wants to die.

I like the concept of this story. I always wonder how they handle these types of situations. People die in prison all the time, but if someone is severely injured they have to take care of them, even if they are one death row.

First, I think it’s cool the idea that Brett in some bizarre way sympathizes with this monster. It’s very dark. It’s almost as if witnessing the tragic death of her parents has allowed her to have some connection to Jack and his murders. She mentions being intrigued by him. She’s less offended than I expect by things although she expresses hating him because he didn’t care they saved him. At times she seems cold and detached. Like when she refuses to feel sorry for Jack about his sexual abuse not because he’s murdered women, but because she’s feels his tragic experiences pale in comparison to hers.
    I really enjoyed the dream scene. The images and descriptions were chilling and believable. I think that was my favorite part. Also, you have a very good description of setting throughout most of your story. I really loved the line, “Lacerated flesh and orange jumpsuit intermingled with blood; colors like a sunset against the flashing red lights of the ambulance.” It was poetic matched with the image of flesh and blood. Very cool.

Okay, so as far as suggestions go-- 2 small things first
I had a hard time dealing with the main character’s name being Brett. It took a long time to get used to and it was pretty distracting, especially in the beginning. I like boy/girl names but Brett is such a common dude’s name it’s hard to get over without it being addressed by the character or joked about.
I think the title is strange. I’m horrible with titles, so I can’t give you a whole lot of suggestions, but maybe something with bananas instead? Since you mention them more throughout the story. I wasn’t completely sure if it was because when he died something happened with his brain? In that case keep it, guess I’ll figure out today. :)

Okay, next I think that you have really strong descriptions in your story, but I feel like sometimes the similes and metaphors are a little excessive. In places it’s great, but it takes away from the fluidity of the story and the narrator’s voice. It was mostly just in the beginning where I noticed a lot (like a vulture, sweat like gravel, like being doused in poisonous sunscreen, like a dead mouse, like iron in her mouth). I would consider taking out some of the similes just because I began to notice and it became distracting.
    I also had a difficult time understanding Brett’s motivations. It never got completely through to me why she helped Jack. I like that she did but I think that because he murdered six women her feelings would have been different. I would keep the death row conflict because it drives the story but I might consider changing his crime and occupation. It hindered me from connecting with Jack in the way I wanted to. I sympathized with him in a weird way because of his tone- but at the same time I think I only sympathized with him because I didn’t truly believe his crime. Something didn’t match up. So that caused me to question Brett’s motivations because I wanted to understand him the way she did.

Anyway, I gotta stop writing now.
Ha, good job, Allison!

Response to "The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac"

Emily,

“The Marriage of Ruth and Isaac” is a story about a mother who is struggling to give up her daughter, Ruth, to marry a young man named Isaac. The main conflict of the story is that Ruth’s mother seems to care deeply for her daughter but she doesn’t agree that Ruth and Isaac should be getting married so young. She wants them both to find jobs and be able to support themselves financially. Ruth has emphasized to her mother that this is God’s plan for them and that their marriage is safe in His hands.
    Emily, first of all I wanted to say that I really love how sentimental your writing is. It’s delicate, while its still rich with color and smell. The descriptions of the flowers remind me a lot of your last story and the parsley and celery and gardening. So, I really liked the descriptions of the wedding’s flower arrangements. I also really like the contrast between the mother and father. The mother seems to be ultimately more concerned with money--in that she wants her daughter to be financially secure before she marries, when she goes with Ruth to the florist she says all she could see was dollar signs, and later she mentions again how she paid for the flowers. On the other hand, the father seems in full support, so it has that “daddy’s little girl” element to it which is sweet. I also loved when the mother says, “To her it was effortless; it was her joy to care for delicate things.” To me this runs parallel with how the mother is slowly realizing that Ruth is going to be able to care for marriage, because marriage in this case is such a delicate thing.
    I can clearly see the mother has only good intentions for Ruth. However, as far as suggestions go I’d kind of like to see if there is another reason for the mother not wanting her to marry at a young age. I felt like there was additional reasons. Maybe something along the lines of the mother got married young and had so many issues. Some additional reason would strengthen the ending because the mother could overcome something herself. She seems to begin to change when she says, “This is just how I had imagined Ruth’s wedding” but the end I didn’t see as much change as I was hoping for. She seemed slightly more hopeful. But why is it one year that she hopes they get through. Some would say the first year is the easiest. This is the part that leads me to believe something happened in the mother’s life that has made her so strongly discourage this union.
    Overall, Emily, I really liked this story. You have such a sweet aroma to your writing that I think for the most part comes straight from the heart. I’d like to see your non-fiction pieces if you have some, and if not you should write some. :)

Anyway, good job!

"Support Group"

“Support Group”is a story told from the perspective of Jules about his masturbating problem to a support group who we don’t hear from (and don’t need to really hear from!). The story examines a young man’s hatred towards himself because he cannot stop masturbating and he has no one to talk to.
    I think I love this story in a very, very weird way, Paul. One of my favorite elements of the style is the voice. I can really hear this kid stammering and digressing and trailing off. The subject matter was clearly an uncomfortable one, and I am a huge fan of audience uneasiness! Ha, as you already know. I think one of the strongest parts of the story is how you’ve built Jules character and manner through his unconventional means of speaking. We get a pretty good sense from Jules the audience’s reactions to the absurd things he’s saying which I think is really effective usually very difficult to do. When you ended each paragraph with things like “I’m calm now. Sorry, everyone. I promise I’ll try and make it not happen again. See, I’m just like everyone else here.” However, he knows that’s not true. It was sentences like this that convince the readers of the audience’s negative reaction without just assuming because it’s a disturbing subject.
    As far as suggestions, one of my concerns is that Jules didn’t change a whole lot throughout the story. I think part of the reason this is difficult to show is because we only get to hear from him. However, that’s also my favorite part. I think that Jules has a big problem and he knows it, because he tells us how “fucking stupid” he thinks he is time and time again. So in this case, I suppose for him to overcome a masturbation problem within one support group meeting and 7 pages is pretty unrealistic. BUT, you could have him somehow deal with his problem in a way by recognizing that it’s more normal than he thinks. Because his problem is clearly more than the obsessive masturbating. It’s more of an internalized issue. Self-loathing and fear of his addiction and that’s why he seeks out help. So maybe you could have him learn to love himself more mentally than physically. HA.
    Paul, this is an interesting story. I think it’s got a lot of good qualities and the potential to be something pretty great and unusual. I think you need a little more depth to Jules background history, something that let’s readers make a connection between the masturbation stories and his life other than that to see why he his so socially dysfunctional. I think you’ve got room to expand on background information.
Overall, goof job!

Response to "Safe"

Hey Janelle!

So safe is about Alexandra, a girl whose mother has convinced her that all men are bad through her experiences with Alex’s father and the other lousy men that she dates. The conflict is that Alex doesn’t feel safe in her home now that she lives in her own home and her father breaks into her house, and violates her emotionally and physically. Alex’s change is most likely during her moment of getting up the courage to try to defend herself.
    I really enjoyed how you took on such a heavy topic, girl! It's a difficult thing to talk about effectively. Anyway, I thought your narrative voice worked well. It actually kind of freaked me out at points. Like just simply walking into a room of your house and realizing that your door is open and you are near positive you didn’t do it. I used to live alone and I know that panic-stricken paranoia feeling when you are by yourself. I also like the idea of her depending on her dog, Twinkle, for protection. It’s obviously unreliable although people consider getting guard dogs to serve as alarm system; this was a cool twist to the story.
    As far as suggestions go I think I’d like to see a scene of some kind where we are able to understand why Alex and Alex’s mom hate the dad so much. What happened in their relationship that was specific to them. You could play around with that--maybe it had to do with Alex before. He’s obviously a weirdo, but I’d like to know more. It would show us more personality from the mother, how she acts around the father, and where his motivation to break into his daughter’s house who’s in college when he hasn’t abused her before. In other words more showing than telling when it comes to the relationships in the story. I feel like I’ve been given a sense of who Alexandra is, but not necessarily enough to buy that her relationship with men has persisted in being so bad if something has necessarily happened traumatic to her yet.

Overall, Good job, looking forward to seeing where you take this one!

Response to "Once in a Lifetime"

“Once in a Lifetime,” is a story that is written from the perspective of the daughter, Hema, of an Indian immigrant family who become friends with another Indian family while on their first stay living in America who eventually go back to India. The story gives insight into what the lives of some immigrant families are like--what cultural changes may or may not take place and things of that nature. The conflict in the story rests on Kaushik’s family who comes to stay with Hema’s family after 7 years of not speaking to one another. His family has changed, and ironically seems to be more Americanized that Hema’s family. Hema develops a crush on Kaushik who doesn’t pay her much attention, which its later revealed is most likely because his mom has cancer.
    The first thing I noticed about this story is the perspective, which is probably my favorite element of it. I often find comfort in writing in second person, although I know it’s a difficult technique to do effectively because you’re limited to the information you can provide because it can start to sound unnecessary or at times make your reader feel left out. However, with Lahiri’s framework of her story I never felt left out and I thought that the POV was extremely effective. She tells a story to someone that was only in her life for a brief moment compared to everything she may have experienced since them but she made it hold significant weight because it examines larger issues outside of the narrative.
    I also was inspired by the abundance of tiny details she was able to use in the story. I think the point of fiction is to make it sound like something that did or could have happened and often times I like reading entertaining stories even when I don’t necessarily buy them. This story seemed like nonfiction because the descriptions and details were so intricate that I felt submerged in that world. I thought the references such as “Gilligan’s Island” and “Good Housekeeping” were nice additions to the realness of the story. I also loved Hema’s dry honesty about how young she was at the time and the undeveloped emotions she had at that time. It added a lot to both her character and the contrast of upbringing from her and Kaushik.
    If there are any exceptions I would say that I slightly felt the story dragged on a little longer than I would have liked in between the family coming to stay and finding out Kaushik’s mother had cancer. I think it all worked by the end, but the build up to finding out well a little flat at some points just because I was eager to see where it was going although everything was extremely well written.

Response to "Status Quo"

“Status Quo” is about a young high school guy named Jake who gets in school suspension for tardies and meets a few guys, David, Jordan, and Tanner. The new friends are misfits who he makes a connection with in suspension and ends up smoking weed for the first time with them after class. It seems to be a story about peer pressure, but not in the way just to fit in necessarily but I think he chooses it because he’s curious about the guys and intrigued by them, so it shows how easily a person is influenced and in such a quick matter of time.

I really liked Jakes character. The whole outfit scenario was humorous and I liked the bits of sarcasm that slipped in throughout the story, and it pleasantly reminded me of the humor in your last story. I like the sarcastic detail about the color wheel at the beginning; I think that tone works best for you. :) One minor revision on that part though, is I think you might could take out the parenthesis because it creates distance between the reader and the narrator, because I like the line about taking art class just as it is in his voice and in flows better visually.

I think the concept of the story is a good one to play around with too. A guy being curious, and how one thing leads to another, and how he is willing to test the norm especially since the majority of the story he’s out of his element. I also like the buzz buzz. I think I giggled a little the first time, since it caught me off guard.

As far as suggestions, I’d like to know more about Jake. I feel like there are points where I understand him and other times I want to know more. He has a humorous tone, but what are his motivations? What makes him who he is. I’d like to see a little less action and a little more background so I know why he does the things he does, dresses the way he does, etc. He makes the comment that suspension “certainly doesn’t fit in with my personality,” but why? I know he snowboards, how he dresses, that he’s tardy a lot, etc. I see through the action how he changes (wearing different pants, smoking weed, the new bad boy image) but less internal change within his character. I think we need more. I like what you have, but I’d like to see him go through a bigger change, with more conflict.

Overall, I enjoyed your story. You know I dig your sense of humor, and I think what you’ve got is working there just needs to be some additions. Good job, Paul!

Response to Series of Omissions

Matt,

First of all, I want to say it’s a pleasure to read your writing. This story is great.

“Series of Omissions” is a story about the death of Norman O’ Connor. It examines both his positive and negative characteristics and explains the impact his life had on those people around him, what he left behind, and essentially how it’s affected his family, especially through the relationship with his wife.

What I love most is the concept of this story. The idea that no one is perfect. Norman O’ Connor was hated and he was missed. The conflict is powerful and you played it out nicely in slightly over three pages. The scenes and background information worked well and I believed the life you created for Norman. I loved how you contrasted things like his pornography collection and his painted model planes. Both of those details tell a lot about his character in a few words, he had secrets both good and bad. I also liked the contrast between details such as “The Belt,” raising his hand to his wife, angry over his daughter’s Black boyfriend and music degree, with positive things like sneaking candy to his grand kids, buying his wife the fur coat, potting the cactus, etc.

One of my favorite lines were, “It placed something ugly between them, like a pane of dirty glass, that did not go away,” because it shows the impact threatening your wife can have even on a “loving relationship” or knowing he has that “in him” to hurt her and it stays with her even when she remembers why she loves him. I also thought the scene of the sons beating each other up after the funeral was super effective. I shows how they dealt with the death of their father, sadness to anger, which slightly indicates this is a coping mechanism picked up from their father. Very cool.

The transitions were fluid, and the story was easy to follow due to its effective symmetry. I liked the opening of each new paragraph with the repetition of, “He was survived by. . .” blank.

As far as revisions, I don’t really know what to say because everything was working for me. I’m sure I’ll think of something in class because I always do. Haha. At first I thought maybe I wanted more. I don’t know if that’s just because I enjoyed the story so much though. I think the length works though because in a way it has this sort of short obituary feel, almost like Norman’s personal life story crammed into just a few pages. The ending is awesome.

Again… it was a job well done, Matt.  :)

Response to "Incarnations of Burned Children"

        David Foster Wallace’s story, “Incarnations of Burned Children” is about parenthood. The story shows the guilt the parents feel, in particular the father, for letting their infant son get hurt. I assume the mother dropped a boiling pot of water on him.
    I’ve read this story before and the both times I’ve been amazed by Wallace’s writing style. It’s one of those stories that are difficult to critique simply because of its ingeniousness. The tone is super urgent, while at the same time distanced from the characters; the speaker kind of allows us to feel the severe pain of both the burned child and the father, while stepping outside of the scene at times- describing the bird cocking it’s head, the mention of the father needing a cigarette. The central theme I feel is removing yourself from yourself. The story and descriptions are so in and out. For instance, “. . the Daddy moving quickly and well and his man’s mind empty of everything but purpose, not yet aware of how smoothly he moved or that he’d ceased to hear the high screams because to hear them would freeze him and make impossible what had be done to help his child. .” Using “his man’s mind” is such an ambiguous expression. It’s a unique way of showing the severity of the situation and the effect it has on the father is that he can’t even be a father during this time. To be a father would freeze him, he couldn’t do what needed to be done. He has to separate himself from the situation to save his child. Which is so ironic, because we think of a father doing everything in his power to save his child, but here the fatherly emotion has to be separated from the man.
    It is a complex story and I think it can be interpreted in a number of ways. I think that’s probably what Wallace was aiming for. I think the ending is especially ambiguous. I feel like the child actually died by the end, but I’m not entirely sure. There were subtle hints of it being “too late” and realizing things too late" that are weaved within the story. Urgency meshed with hopelessness. The sentence structure is convoluted, however it functions nicely and adds to the tone of the story, inside a mind observing frantic parents trying to save their infant. However, who is the narrator? We don’t know but we are given these inside details. The voice and point of view is the most interesting because it’s not from either of the parents but the speaker is somehow immersed in the up and down emotion of the story.
    I also liked the descriptions of the parents freezing up if they actually let their minds venture to the reality of what’s happened. It’s nicely juxtaposed with the burned, steaming child.
   

Repsonse to "A Different Place"

Robert,

     “A Different Place” is about a father who had an accident in the car with his family and a family friend, Derrick, who dies. The conflict of the story is centralized around the father’s guilt, because he feels he “killed” Derrick since Derrick didn’t make it through surgery and the father was driving. Other member’s of the family are injured as well as the dad, and it describes the narrator’s experiences with dealing with this tragic incident.
       I really liked many of the descriptions of being in the Costa Rica hospital, especially the father’s line, “All they did was give us what would be the equivalent of Ibuprofen and said we’re good to go home. I knew something was wrong with my back, but I don’t speak good Spanish.” It added some extra personality to the father even in the midst of a depressing situation. I also thought having the accident as them “hitting the side of the mountain” was creative. Mountains are scary to drive on in general, especially the steep ones with no railings. I also liked that the narrator’s tone. He didn’t quite know how to handle the situation, and I think it captures how many people feel with these sorts of similar situations. On one hand, he struggles with moarning the death of Derrick and on the other hand he has to be relieved that the others survived. It sets up a touch situation for the narrator’s feelings and internal struggles.
       As far as suggestions I would say I want to actually know more about the father. I feel like that he is a central character to the story so I want to know more about his personality aside from him just being guilty over the car accident. I also thought that there should be a couple more spots of light-heartenedness (don’t think that’s a word). Such as, maybe a nice comment said about who Derrick was so that we know something about the person who is being grieved over. I suppose humor is difficult because it’s such a serious situation, but your dialogue was so funny in your last story that I wanted to see more.
       I’d like to see some personality within the other characters too. I feel like there is a lot of action going on, which is great, but now you may want to consider dressing up the personalities of the father, Kate, Robin, and Mrs. Stephanie. <-- btw make sure to MRS instead of Miss. ;) I mean if they’re are married, which I assumed they were because he calls her step mom.
    Overall, I think you’ve got a lot of good things here, and the potential for a goof story. I just want to see a little more character development within the narrative! Good job!

What's going on in the kitchen? Response to "Baking Cookies"

Patrick,

“Baking Cookies” is about a mother’s sexually abusive relationship with her young son, Matt. The “games” that they play are the ongoing conflict, as well as the social worker who continuously shows up at the house trying to figure out if the mother is abusing Matt because she’s been informed by the father of what’s going on. The more significant problem underlying the narrative is that Matt doesn’t feel that these “games” are bad, in fact it seems that he enjoys them because it’s the way his mother shows her “affection” for him.
    So, what’s going on in the kitchen? As you know, I really love the eery tone of this story. I think you captured the tension of the mother/son relationship really well. It was a nice build up. The first couple of pages contain some of my favorite lines. For instance, the line, “Before I could turn on my stool, I felt her squishing into my back, her lips kissing the top of my head.” This is before we know of the true nature of the mother and it was a subtle implication that something is just not quite right. I just see her disgusting squishy lips on his head and her long fingernails.
    On another note, I also really love the sugary descriptions of baking cooking paired with the lingering idea that the mother is a little too “sweet” on her child. The confectioner’s sugar compared with powdered sugar and all the other details and narrative about baking was really effective and it helped me to see the world he lives in. Frankly, I was disturbed. So thanks. :) In addition, I really enjoyed the child narrative voice. I love the line, “My teacher once told me that eggshells had a lot of calcium in them, like the human bone did, and that, without calcium, kids my age wouldn‟t be able to play the same way we do now.” It also shows Matt is at that vulnerable age where he believes just about everything he’s told, thus why he trusts his creepo mother.
    As far as suggestions go. . .
I’d like to know exactly how old the child is. I don’t know if I missed it, but I feel that’s important to the background detail. I guess spelling test start in first gradeish? He still calls his mother Mom, too. So there were just a couple of times where I got distracted trying to guess the age of the Matt. He seems like a really smart kid.
    I think I’d also like to know the motivation behind the mother abusing Matt. I know there’s no good reason for sexual abuse, but I’d like maybe a little information explaining maybe what’s driven her to such extremes. I mean she is touching his poopy spot. Woof. She seems pretty messed up. Maybe her having a psychological disorder (which is pretty much implicated by the simple fact of the situation!) or maybe he gets sad because he doesn’t have many friends and that’s her way to comfort him. I want a little more psychological conflict. I know the mom claims to have been abused by Matt’s dad, but it apparent he is more of the responsible one considering he informed someone and that’s probably why they separated.
    Overall, this story is right up my alley. I love creepy drenched in syrup. ;) Good job, Patrick. I’m happy I got to see your demented side. HA

Response to Alison's "Kids"

“Kids” is a story about a girl named Jenny who goes to church camp. The story is told from Jenny’s perspective; throughout the whole story she compares herself to the other young girls, putting emphasis on how grown up they try to be: reading cosmos, putting on make-up, shaving their legs, bringing tampons without having a period yet (the average age for females to start their period is between the ages of 11 and 12, which made that detail in the story less believable, unless it was with the intent to make the counselor Caroline seem even more idiotic), obsessing over boys, wearing push-up bras, etc. It seems that Jenny’s real purpose for being there is to read her books and “to learn about Jesus,” and she doesn’t relate to the other girls because they’re more worried about boys and how they look rather than worship which is obviously should be the main incentive for going to church camp. 

 

       First of all, I like idea of using “camp” as your setting. There’s a lot of opportunity with this place for a narrator to play around with different types of scenes (especially with it being a co-ed camp), and church camp ups the ante even more, and you seemed to have a good grasp on the types of activities and setting shined throughout the story. I really liked a lot of the descriptions in the story, especially the opening couple of pages narrating how it is when a bunch of girls are trying to get ready together in the same space. I went to Camp Winnataska for a couple of years and the chaos of everyone tripping over one another was pretty much spot on. I really liked the line, “Then Miss Caroline said when we were walking out the door and oh wait, go get your Bibles, you’ll need them.” It emphasizes she, like the campers, isn’t putting church first, without explicitly saying so. I also enjoyed the "nerdy" references, because I love HP, LotR, and Star Wars. :)

So for suggestions:

      First, The beginning of the story is chaotic, thus I understand your reasoning for including a bunch of different girls to stress this idea. However, in the first paragraph we’re given: Lauren, Miss Caroline, Mary, Chandler, Morgan, Jenna, and of course the narrator. The next paragraph we’re introduced to Hannah and Connor. While I know that some of these characters are significant to the rest of the story, the others aren’t. It shows how hectic the bathroom scene must have been for the narrator, but the effect it had was I quit trying to follow who was who and just read the action in the story. Consider replacing some of the insignificant character with “one of the girls” or something of that nature.

I had a hard time believing the narrator’s character. I understood that I was supposed to be reading her as an innocent young girl who likes to read books, but her innocence didn’t work for me unless she was home-schooled or it was made evidently clear how she was extremely sheltered. For instance, twelve and thirteen is about seventh, eighth grade range. In the scene where she goes to tell Miss Caroline something, smoke spills out of the pool house, and she “smelled something like a skunk,” I don’t particularly think a twelve or thirteen year old would be completely oblivious to what was going on. Most kids, at least in 2012, are warned against drugs and those sorts of things by this age. She also probably wouldn’t use the description “skunk” since it’s so commonly paired with pot, and with her being so innocent she would more likely address the smoke and think, “that doesn’t smell like a cigarette.”  Jenny reads books as advanced as Lord of the Rings, but she can’t decipher what “he’s so sweet make me wanna lick the wrapper” means, but refers to the “shrinking bulge” in Connors pants. I would consider making more clear why she is SO much more sheltered than the rest of the girls. Also, why would a church camp hire someone like Miss Caroline who blasts provocative rap music in the cabin with pre teen girls? I imagine the camp would usually hire young adults that they know well or who are most affiliated with the church youth groups, instead of these teenagers like Caroline and Jeremy who are not even discreet when it comes to breaking rules.

      Finally, I want to see Caroline overcome something by the end of the story. I felt she was innocent from the beginning to end and she didn’t find much out about herself. She really makes no real connections with any of the characters except Jeremy who seems to have a sort of creepo vibe because he’s a counselor borderline flirting with a younger camper. 

     I really think the story has a lot of humorous elements to it and great descriptions of actions and scenes. I just want to see more emotion involved with Jenny so that I can understand her situation better and sympathize with her more. I want to know why she’s so innocent or how she overcomes this innocence or gets corrupted or whatever. 

      Overall, good job!

Response to Matt's "Fortune"

Matt,

What a cool story! “Fortune” is about a man who describes his experience while getting robbed by two men, Joshua and Jacob, who also shoot his dog and Jacob gets shot by Joshua (I think). The narrator evokes the question, “when should you fight back?”  He wonders if he should fight for his life, but he’s doesn’t know how because he’s cornered and defenseless.

I love, love the tone of this story. The narrator is a very analytical, humorous guy even in the midst of the most intense of situation. I loved the backdrop of wheel of fortune playing on the TV. It’s an eery, sort of corny contrast with the dangerous actions going on in the story. It sort of reminds me of a Tarantino scene, which is a huge compliment from me because he’s pretty much my favorite person ever! The descriptions and imagery in the story are very strong. I like the description of Joshua’s teeth and all the great details about Duke and the narrator’s niece’s color by numbers drawing. The theme of fortune works nicely, because the narrator suggests that money and TVs and “goods” mean nothing, and his dog’s life and his niece’s art are obviously more important. You kept up the suspense in the story and the action and emotions were consistent. I also admired that the story was so strong and took place in such a short amount of time.

As far as suggestions go I would say cut some of the elevated language in the story. The character is obviously an intelligent witty guy with a wide vocabulary, but at times I felt it was distracting. The few words I marked were concupiscence, vitreous, and nonplussed. There are other words you might could use that would allow the story to flow more fluidly. (Maybe I should just work on my own vocab! ;) ) Overall, you showed that the character is smart, just try to avoid getting too “writery” and stick to everyday language for the most part so readers can stay in the scene without having to look up words.

One other thing I had a question about was why exactly does Jacob get shot or why do the shots go off? It kind of threw me off. Was it an accident or intentional? I wanted to know why Joshua turned on his accomplice or vice versa. Maybe I read something wrong. Either way I would like you to keep that in the story, I just wanted to know why it elevated to them firing at one another.

Overall, the story was really great. Awesome work, Matt!

Response to Emily's "With Stripes Across Our Bellies"

“With Stripes Across Our Bellies” is about a woman who is losing her mother to dementia. The story gives insight into the types of experiences one goes through when a loved one is suffering from memory loss, confusion, deafness, etc.

First, I really liked the voice of this story because it felt believable. Simply put, you slipped into the character of Connie really well. I could feel that sense of partial detachment Connie has, but of course aware that she is still hanging on to all the wonderful memories she has with her mother before the dementia worsened. You capture that “what can I really do” feeling that I would imagine comes along with this type of situation. Also, I appreciate that you included a lot of creative details to paint a picture in your readers’ mind, and the farm life worked exceptionally well and provided a good setting for the story. Overall, I enjoyed the descriptions of the food that the mother cooked on pages 2 and 4, such as the fresh herbs, onions, and pig-bellies. It made your story smell and taste good even though it was sad. I liked the idea that even though she’s elderly and suffering from dementia, she still chops the vegetables better than anyone else can.

Here are a couple of issues I had with certain parts of the story. I’m big about opening paragraph of stories, and I thought yours was really strong. I was lured in immediately. However,   I never read anything else about Connie contrasting the experience with her own mother with that of other patients. I liked that you kept it to the home life scenes, but for some reason I felt opening with the information about the narrator being a heart transplant coordinator evokes expectations in readers that at some future point in the story that will come into play again. 

Second, I felt the voice and tone was much stronger than the dialogue. I like that the dialogue hints at the dementia getting progressively worse, but I don’t know if it added much depth to the mother or told us anything significant about her character other than she’s losing her memory, which we already know. The idea about her forgetting that she already took her pills is good, but consider changing up the dialogue by including other areas ways her memory is slipping; not just with the pills. 

One other thing I wanted to mention was the ages of the characters in the story. I think someone else may have mentioned this in their blog, but I noticed it too. I imagined a woman in her early thirties as far as the tone of the voice goes. I know that we’re given the information at the beginning of the story that she’s been taking care of people for 25 years, but I didn’t feel it matched up with the feel of Connie’s voice. Her mother is eighty-four--and I thought she should have been younger too. 

One suggestion I have is maybe you could give us a sort of lighthearted memory Connie has about the mother; something funny. All stories about dementia are going to be sad. Maybe instead of the mother crying and putting her face in her hands when she realizes she’s losing her memory, you could have her make some sort of humorous joke about forgetting things. I think that would add more depth to the mother and show us a little more about her personality.

Overall, Emily, I enjoyed the story, the voice was strong, and I’d like to see where you go with it from here. Good job!

Response to Robert's "Curtis and Deangelo"

     “Curtis and Deangelo” is a story about two guys (who seem to be as close as brothers) who meet up at a casino in Vegas. The conflict arises when Curtis learns after they’re finished gambling that his Dad is in the hospital. D or Curtis' father (I'm not entirely sure which one) doesn't make it in the end. The story is resolved by the two going back to the Casino.
       There were a lot of creative and humorous descriptions that I really enjoyed in the story. I especially like the dialogue between the characters. It didn’t seem too “dialoggy” and it showed us each of their personalities. I felt it to be the strongest element to the story. I really like the line, “pulls on your chest hair like duck tape,” as well as the line “I’m staying at the Trump next time, there’s gold all over the place, even the damn urinals.” I thought the voices were full of personality and really functioned well in a story set in Vegas. Overall, the tone was awesome.
      The opening line says that Curtis is the type of guy who never disrespects anybody. However, in one of the first few scenes he makes a disrespectful comment to one of the bar maids, and we’re validated by D that it’s nothing new for him to treat women like that. So I’d consider revising that minor inconsistency. I just noticed because the opening should set up how you should feel about the character in some way.
      Also, my main issue with the story is that I felt like I was out of the loop a couple times, especially the scene in the cab when they’re talking about Bishop and the accident. I felt the conversation had a weird transition and I thought there were clues missing as to which accident the guys are talking about since we were just informed that Curtis’ dad was going into surgery. I also was confused by the end. At first I thought Curtis was lying to D on the phone about his dad dying because he had just found out that his dad only needed 4 months recovery time. The dialogue where , “Last night I made it home late and went to the hospital. When I got there there was a doctor in the room with nurses running around.” Then however, I realized  maybe it was D that said his Dad didn’t make it. At that point I was really confused. Are they actually brothers? I’d consider trying to make the ending more clear.
       One smaller thing I noticed was that a “Brazilian babe” took D’s jacket. How did he hook up with this woman when he had his girlfriend with him back at the hotel?
       Overall, I really want to see happens with this story. The characters were amusing and I think the setting and scenes were entertaining and creative. I was just slightly confused at points with the plot and transitions, and I think it wouldn’t be too difficult for you to fill in the gaps so that part would be cleared up. Well done!

Response to Shelby's "Beyond the Line"

          Shelby’s story, “Beyond the Line,” is about a soldier, Isaac who is in a foreign land fighting for the United States. At the beginning of the story we meet Isaac’s wife and see his struggle to leave her and go to war. In the story Isaac makes clear that he misses his wife; she is the glimmer of happiness in his situation. Isaac is ordered to fire on three different enemy locations, one of which he realizes is a school. Isaac is faced with this life-altering choice at this point in the story and he (thank gosh) decides not to fire on the school. By the end, the story is resolved because he refuses to follow orders and gets to go home to his wife.
         I really enjoyed the detailed descriptions and actions in this story. It was never difficult to visualize the scenes in my head. The story was easy to follow, and it had a very clean structure with smooth transitions. The dialogue was in the right places and the scenes were all well proportioned. Also, this may be a weird complement, but I really liked the names. Isaac and Sophie I thought were interesting names that were not too bizarre, overdone, or bland. In addition, I thought the speaker was overall pretty knowledgeable about the subject and the sort of “soldier jargon” if that makes since which made the story believable.
        I wanted to know a little more about Isaac. The story is centralized around him but I feel like I don’t know who he is apart from the honorable soldier that misses his wife. I learned that he is respectable, and wouldn’t kill a whole school of children regardless if he was ordered to do so because he stands up for himself. The scenes and setting are all there. I just think that I’d like to see more depth to Isaac’s character. What sets him apart from other soldiers aside from deciding not to take fire on the school? I want to know more about his personality. I’m sure it’s difficult to develop the character of a soldier since he has a certain person he has to be around the other officials. Maybe you could include in the scene where he’s trying to fall asleep him reminiscing on a memory he had in the past with Sophie. She seems to be an important character in that the story begins and concludes with her.
      Overall, I love everything you’ve got. Again, it was well set up and the descriptions were very detailed and you worked nicely. Maybe just consider adding one other scene so we can get another glimmer of light (Sophie memory?) before he’s challenged with the decision. It would add to his motivation and struggle.

Response to "Dress Rehearsal" by Christina Kettering

       “Dress Rehearsal” is a story about two sisters who are in high school who have some minor struggles that revolve around each other being so close in age. Kate is the older and ironically the more insecure of the two sisters, but she’s also the more responsible and easier to please. She hesitates to say yes to Sean to go with him to the prom, so he asks Diana. It’s apparent throughout the story that Kate feels in competition with her younger sister. Diana dresses her up like a doll when they are shopping for prom dresses, and she lets her call the shots for the majority of the time. She complains to Sean that her teacher called her Diana again and she messes up on rehearsal and she replaces her lines with, “Hi, yes. My name is Kate. I'm Diana's sister, her older sister. I'm the tall one, the responsible one, the redhead. And I'm going to buy a prom dress.”
    Overall, I really enjoyed the story. I found it easy to follow for the most part, except for a couple times in the dialogue when I had to reread to see which of the sisters were talking. I really enjoyed the settings of the story. I liked the dressing room and the theater element. Those are fun places to play around with. I also like the descriptions of the dresses when they're shopping, and overall there were a lot of great descriptions. I liked the line describing the purple sleeveless dress that “whispered of mystery and intrigue anytime she moved.” I wouldn’t mind having a dress like that. :)
    We start to see some of the tension between the sisters, but I felt like there needed to be more intense conflict. I want to see a more significant difference between the two. The problem was too easily revolved by the end, and I’m not sure that character overcame enough. I’d like to see Kate stand up for herself or shine brighter in some way; for instance, maybe you could have Kate fill in for the star role (because the lead actually does break her leg, haha) and then she nails her performance. It could be her way of finally overshadowing her sister.
    In addition, I felt like I didn’t know as much as I should about Kate’s relationship with Sean. He seems to be an important character within the story, and I didn’t feel like I was given enough information to decide how Kate feels really feels about him. I want to know more about Kate because the story is centralized around her, yet I feel I know Diana’s character more. I know that Kate is consumed with college applications, and I know that she is supposedly best friends with Sean. However, I wasn’t sure if her feelings were more than that for him. He seems to really like Kate, and he ends up canceling plans with Diana. Is she relieved for any other reason besides her sister getting out of making an excuse not to go with him? I wasn’t sure how Kate changed by the end. Again, I’d like to see the story have more conflict, and you may can do that by intensifying the situation with Sean, perhaps having him cause a bigger issue between the sisters, or at least make Kate’s feelings towards him more explicit.
    Overall, I really liked the concept of the competitive sister relationship. The descriptive imagery and setting set the scene, now I’d just like to see the tension amplified within the characters. :) Good job!

Response to "Brotherly Love" by Kevin Boy

    “Brotherly Love,” is a story about two brothers, William and Steven, who are raising Steven’s kids. (I’m assuming the wife died because of the emphasis on family pictures, William doesn’t think Steven should keep “doing this” to himself, etc.)William is offered a better job, which means more money for everybody. The conflict is that the job requires the whole family to move, and Steven doesn’t want to move out of the house because three generations have lived there including his kids.
    First of all, I want to say I really enjoyed/cringed at the opening lines of your story. The image of a finger being sliced catches your readers’ attention, and I immediately wanted to keep reading. I liked the line, “A flap of torn skin, dripped red onto the plate in front of him, stained the corner of a loaf of bread.” Bread soaking up blood is nasty.
    One of the initial issues I had with the story is the confusion with characters in the beginning. I had to read back over a few times to understand the play on names with “William” being called “Aunt Wilma” and Samantha being called “Samuel.” I like that your intention is to create a playful relationship between these two characters, but changing around the names so early in the story is a bit distracting.
    One part that I found odd was the section about William’s rolled cigarette he keeps in his pocket. I never really understand why he kept it? Did his friend die from smoking? The speaker just explains to Sam that a friend smoked their whole lives since he turned fifteen and he keeps it to remember not to try it. So it just seems bizarre to me that someone would keep the same cigarette in his or her pocket just take it out to look at it to remember not to, instead showing that they have to resist the urge to smoke it. It may make more sense if William used to smoke and now he keeps one of his friends cigarettes to remind him of him.
    I also really like the humor between the brothers. I imagine them being these sort of grizzly Vince Vaughn type guys. I like the line, “Such a good butler I hired.”
    I must admit I’m still slightly confused by the ending for a few reasons. First, I wanted the robbery to be some kind of set up with one of the brothers playing a prank or something of that nature instead of a real one. The ending made me think it may have been a prank, but I’m still not quite sure. Second, I felt like the father or uncle of a little girl (one that only comes up to the hip)  should’ve been urged to get out of the room as soon as possible if the robber had a gun! Instead of thinking way to go saving the day, Sam, I was thinking, nice parenting, guys. (Ha). Maybe consider revising the ending in some way that seems serious but it was actually just a ploy to get Sam to agree to moving. I think the story has a lot of potential, and I really like the idea of the “brotherly love” theme. I’d really like to see the brother’s relationship take control of the story.

Response to Janelle's Story "The Truth Behind the Window"

       Janelle’s short story “The Truth Behind the Window” is about a young woman who passes her time by looking out of the window and observing the facade of suburbia. Christina is in a unhappy marriage with a verbally abusive man named Theo. The only excitement she gets out of her days are when Theo is gone and she can survey her neighbors pretending to be something they’re not. Christina rejects this lifestyle and acknowledges it’s faults, but she is consumed by it at the same time. I feel sympathy for Christina. She seems to never get out of the house and she doesn’t stick up for herself when her husband mistreats her.
       I love the tone of this story. It has this reflective, weary feel to it that carries through from the opening lines talking about the rain pattering on the window to the last line “she could see the truths they so desperately tried to hide.” The window is an appropriate extended metaphor for the barrier between Christina and her neighbors and husband. Also, I thought what added to that was the narrator’s often times poetic voice. I like the description of the rise and fall of the daylight, and how Christina is described as still watching when the sun goes down which elevates the mood of the story for me.
    One thing is I wanted more of Christina. I would like to understand more about her relationship with Theo. He’s a jerk. If I read about a character who is tolerating verbal abuse from her husband, I want to know why. Why does Christina submissively go upstairs and change her outfit? She doesn't seem to love her husband at all anyway. I do not tolerate men calling women fat. So I want Christina to either grow a backbone or offer some idea of why she puts up with what she does especially when she’s so sad. What good has come from there relationship? If nothing, what ties her to him? Did he change? Was he a loving man before they moved to the neighborhood? I love that she’s detached or apathetic at times about her life, or in other words she’s content in some ways because she gets to see the real sides of these people, so she finds honestly through that but I’d like to know a little more to why she’s like this.  I think these are ideas that could be played around with to strengthen Christina as a character. I’d like to see her completely hypocritical or stand up for herself.
    I really loved some moments of the dialogue with Elizabeth trying to ride the bike. You have her spunk and captured the voice of a young child well. Overall, I really dug it. I just want more scenes, more about Christina. :D

"She is dust to me inside this silverness..." Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"

          Aimee Bender’s short story “Off” is about a spoiled rich, overly confident (perhaps narcissistic is a better word),  overly sexual?, young woman who declares that her mission for the night is to kiss a blonde, black, and red haired guy. The voice is really awesome and besides the obvious imaginative element she brings to each scene it was the most prominent part of her style that stuck out to me in the story.
      Readers are completely inside the head of the narrator. What I mean by that, and what sets this story apart from the others we read, is that the sentences run on on and on, and the narrator doesn’t stop to make her sentences more clear or easier to read. BUT, it is clear, because this is essentially how we talk in our heads or how we may go about telling a story to our friend.

And....and...and.....and....(I loved how she started so many sentences with And).

     We are able to follow her actions while hearing her bitchy commentary on everything. There’s a certain comfortableness when reading this voice for me. It seems effortless, which makes it seem completely sincere. Sometimes when a story is written in first person it’s difficult to judge the sincerity of the voice, but because this narrator doesn’t really care what I think it builds her character in my opinion. It shows us more about her eccentricity and insensitivity to those around her, those that she confirms more than once she is better than.  One line that was great that showed how overly confident was when she said, “but lady she is dust next to me inside this silverness.” Those subtle creative linguistic choices really added depth to her character.

      I have to point out a couple parts that I thought were brilliant ways to develop her character. First, I thought the art/artist theme was really creative. She gives us a little history on how her old art teacher never noticed the weapons and the “bad” things she added into her paintings. She signs her name on the evaluation she fills out to get her teacher fired. Again, it shows us people are beneath her. There is a significant difference between being an honest character and being a brutally honest character. It really makes her come to life.

      Another section I thought was creative was pretty much everything on 113. She complains about getting in a bad mood and then says, “And I still have one flavor to go.” Flavor is significant here because it shows us how the guys she is trying to conquer are merely flavors. She doesn’t care so much about their emotions or search for anything deeper from anyone. She just wants a taste. This shows up too with some of the female relations she mentions. For instance, on 116 she talks about the host of the party, “we never touched but she still always blushed like crazy.” I don’t think Bender is hinting at her being bisexual, but more so that the character believes that everyone guy and girl wants her. They just have to. For her, the people at the party are disposable flavors. Pawns put there for her to play with. The only person who’s really consistent is Adam.

This is one of my favorite stories we've read. I learned a lot from the playfulness of the voice.

Not Just Another Teen Short Story: The Love of My Life (Boyle)

         I really enjoyed this story! Personally, I thought the beginning description painted a realistic picture according to what many young high school relationships look like. The first time you’re “in love” is different from rest. Blind and foolish. I loved the line “. . . they kissed wherever they met, no matter where or when, even if one of them had just stepped out the room, because that was love, that was the way love was. . .” He narrator emphasizes the idea of “that was love” for them to acknowledge how you may think you love someone when you’re sixteen--but with no responsibility. Jeremy’s responsibility moves from making a decision on what ice cream flavor he wants--to “comforting” his pregnant teenage girlfriend. He doesn’t know how to do it. He pretty much gives up on her. So, the conflict starts out with the tension of hiding the pregnancy and how it puts a strain on the couple’s relationship (obviously). Subsequently, it escalates to her having the baby with no doctor or anesthetic in a hotel room, killing the baby, the arrests, juvenile detention, embarrassment, China’s charges being dropped, ect. I admired that Boyle just didn’t stop shocking me, he never got too crazy where I felt this story was unbelievable but he was persistent with the tension and turns in the mood.   
           (Let’s say the worst of the “Teen Moms” meets Casey Anthony and they draw names to decide who gets to have a love child with the girl from the article titled “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I went to pee at school and there was a baby in toilet,” then this story would be said love child.... However, I don’t know if it’s mother is Casey or not.)
       What I mean by that is while it’s insane to sympathize with ignorant teenagers--especially those who KILL their baby, you can’t help but feel a sorry for China and question how she may have felt about the baby if Jeremy would have been more supportive. Does it make it right? No. But, did she really think it was dead?
     Boyle takes you for a bumpy ride on who readers should sympathize with. You can’t help but feel sorry for China. She’s crying in the arms of Jeremy who says he “loves her” but can’t seem to understand why she’s so stupid sometimes. He urges her to “get rid of it,” (verrry loving) but she can’t even look at him. He doesn’t know what to do. When their daughter is born she tells Jeremy to “get rid of it,” because she feels if she doesn’t she may lose Jeremy. However, she already had. He could summon anything about her in his head--not even her face. She wasn’t the same girl he loved. She had to choose between Jeremy and the baby, and she made the wrong one. He didn't want anything to do with it anyway.
        I took notice of how skillfully Boyle creates the naivety and teenage innocence of China and Jeremy. He describes China on the phone with her mom half-listening with “uh-huhs,” sticking her finger in the ice cream, sliding around the kitchen in her socks. He never directly says “they were just poor little teenagers.” He makes us feel that syrupy love bubble they’re stuck in--the triviality of their worries before the pregnancy.
        I also found that when the story moves from the the camping trip to when we find out she’s pregnant months later, there is a dark cloud that takes over Boyle’s writing and the quick shift is really effective in this case, because that’s exactly what pregnancy would feel like to a teen: cast a dark light on everything in your life, especially since China had to go through the exhaustion of hiding it.
         So what do I make at the end? Jeremy is scummy, but she still loves him the end. I’m not sure if I 100% believe she didn’t know it was dead, even if she took a polygraph. Either way, I have to feel for China in a pathetic sort of way.

Response to "Vacation from Boyhood" by Cole Stuart

      “Vacation from Boyhood” is a story about two geeky guys (the narrator and Connor) who have been friends since kindergarten. They go off to college and maintain and strengthen their friendship by communicating via Facebook about various topics, but more importantly reflect on their experiences together as kids. The two eventually plan one final adventure and decide to go on a “manly” weekend trip to an ice fishing cabin in Wisconsin. However, as the story progresses the narrator reveals how their goofy boyishness gets in the way of having that “manly” wilderness experience one may expect. For instance, the fire wood was already chopped (which was fortunate and humorous considering he fails at his attempt to chop a piece), Connor forgets to open the flu to the chimney, and they get sidetracked by the idea of watching the meteor shower, which finally results in burning the cabin down.
    I love the idea of guys trying to be more masculine than they naturally are. There were certain parts of the story I found really humorous. I enjoyed the “manly” banter in the truck on the way to the cabin. The line, “I hardly slept last night because I was up late watching Vin Diesel movies,” made me laugh. I also liked the idea of attempting to use a map for directions, but then giving up and plugging in the GPS.
    One suggestion I feel like would strengthen the story would be to cut out some of the back story of the guys’ friendship-- you could show more about your characters in certain scenes and within the dialog rather than telling readers “how animated and loud the guys get when planning something that could lead to excitement.” I want to know more specific details about who they are and what exactly makes them "idea men."
    I wanted to see more dialog between the guys like the conversation in the truck. I liked the witticism “I’m really strong,” because it stuck out more to me than the drier dialog. It shows more about the narrator’s sense of humor and tone of the guys’ relationship. Overall, I wanted to know more in depth details about the characters rather than focusing so heavily on the reassurance of the narrator’s manliness.
    I felt the narrator’s voice suited a guy maybe in his later years of high school rather than college, but the narrator states that “they were so in college.” At that point I took them to be sort of naive or nerdy guys. Furthermore, later in the story the guys buy beer, which would mean they must be 21 or older. This made parts of the story less believable for me, because I didn’t feel the characters’ voices entirely matched their age.
    Overall, I really enjoyed the story. I especially appreciated the goofy humor--I want to see more of it! The last line was really effective, because I wasn’t really expecting it.
Good Job!

Response on "The Day Beverly Lost Jessica"

       “The Day Beverly Lost Jessica” is a story about a woman who is threatened by the entertainment industry because she feels it is taking her “little girl” away from her. Beverly is supportive of her daughter pursuing her dream as a singer/dancer, but on the other hand she’s uncomfortable with placing her in the hands of this particular business, “WORLD WIDE MUSIC"; essentially, because it’s forcing her to grow up too fast. The author does a nice of job of creating a reluctant tone within the mother. Specifically, the line that says, “she would never again see her daughter’s hair bounce from side to side in a pony tail as she walked.” Thirteen is a significant age, because it’s the age where a person, in this case Jessica, is becoming a teenager. He also addresses her fear of this transition (from Easter egg painting to experimenting with drugs, ect) which I liked. 
    I feel the narrator has a good grasp on the tone he’s trying to convey from each character, however there were parts where I felt a little disconnected from who was talking--I felt out of the loop at times. For instance, the line “Lose yourself. This is the moment you‟ve been waiting for.” In the course of the dialog there were italicized interjections where I wasn’t sure who was talking. I couldn’t decipher if they were supposed to be bits of one of the other artists singing in the background, or if this was the daughter singing in the recording room to herself, or if it was just on the radio. I think while dialog tags should be used sparingly, this would have been an appropriate place to let your reader know who is speaking. If it were a song there could be something as simple as “The DJ keeps playing my song,” Beverly frowned as she tried to tune out the dissonant sound coming from the room across the hall. I think these are easy revisions that could make the story more fluid.
    I also felt the story used a lot of specific (and humorous) references to Youtube. Personally, I don’t mind because I always enjoy comic relevancy, especially when it’s geared towards the younger generation. However, some may argue that these references won’t always hold up over time. BUT- in some ways I found it effective because the mother didn’t seem to "get them" either. So, it kind of works in the context of the story-- by showing that considerable generation gap between the two. So, I think could work either way.
    Overall, I really loved the concept of "growing up too fast" especially at the expense of the entertainment industry. It reflects on how technology is changing the entertainment industry. We don’t have to become famous organically anymore. Even “nobodies” can become famous basically through the internet, and it's kind of scary. :)

Bye, John

       When I first started reading Richard Bausch’s short story, “1-900,” I imagined a few potential endings. Initially, I assumed John was going to end up being some dangerous stalker or pervert. While it was apparent he had major issues, the ending was counter intuitive and slightly anti-climatic. So, what was the primary agenda?
      I found that the most notable element of Bausch’s story was the point of view, or I might say the lack there of. There is no narrator present to influence our opinion of the characters or the situation. This was effective in the sense that the story is structured essentially as a phone call would be. It’s as if we are listening in on a private conversation and making assertions about John and Marilyn/Sharon the call progresses. It’s a compelling technique for a writer to use because we aren’t aware of the sincerity of either characters--much like the characters themselves cannot be certain who the stranger is on the other end of the line and how much of what they say is true.
    There is definitely this sort of tension that pervades throughout the story. Most of the phone call consists of John urging Sharon to just talk to him. He tries to build a more “intimate” relationship before moving into the sexual stuff. Sharon on the other hand evidently just wants to do her job and get off the phone, but she gives in a little since she’s still being paid by the minute. At first John just seems to be a lonely guy with no one else to confide in or vent to about his family problems. He starts off as a sympathetic character. He assures Sharon, “I’m not saving newspaper articles about assassinations, or collecting body parts, you know.” However, as the story moves forward he becomes even more persistent and desperate (and super creepy) and Sharon eventually begins to open up about herself.
    I noticed the theme of voice or "talking". Aside from the story being structured like a phone call, John tells Sharon how he and his wife lacked communication in their marriage. He confesses his voice irritates her. However, he says he and wife did have a satisfying sexual relationship. This may be the reason John just wants to “talk.” Maybe he just wanted to talk to someone with a sultry voice, and that’s why he’s less concerned with getting right into the phone sex.
    By the end there is this sort of role reversal. John finally wants to have the phone sex, whereas Sharon now feels uncomfortable. The irony is that Sharon admits to taking on this role as an actor, telling men whatever they want to hear, but John professes an affection for her and tells her he loves her. The build up was perfect. The conversation comes to an abrupt end: there isn’t any resolution, and there doesn’t have to be. That’s the beauty of being able to just hang up the phone.

Not Just Another Trippy Story

     Denis Johnson’s “Emergency” is not just another drug-induced story. To be more clear, it first reminded me of Hunter S. Thompson’s works employing the style of “Gonzo Journalism” (because of the speaker seemingly alternating in between realities). However, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” for instance, claims to be based on true events in Thompson’s drug-induced haze. Also, Johnson’s story has moments of profound poetic wisdom. It sort of takes on this life/death spiritual theme, whereas FLLV does not.  Nevertheless, there are moments, especially once Georgie and Fuckhead leave the hospital and go on their drive, where you have to ask yourself, “Did I read that correctly?” “How much of the story is actually happening?” Thus, the style reminds me of reading Thompson or Tom Wolfe.
         I took special notice to Johnson’s use of dialog, especially with the development of Georgie’s character. While we get a deeper insight into Fuckhead’s mind from his own perspective as the narrator, we can learn the most about Georgie through their conversations. One instance of this is when Georgie dumps the baby bunnies onto Fuckhead’s lap and says, “Take them, take them. I gotta drive, take them.” He’s high on drugs for most--if not all of the story, but there are moments where Georgie evokes a certain sort of sympathy. Before they begin their drive he tells Fuckhead, “I need a quiet chapel about now.” The irony is that you feel he perceives their current situation on a deeper, yet more simplistic spiritual level. He is heedless and spacey at times of what’s going on around him (constantly responding with Who? or Me?), but ultimately he provokes the life/death theme that permeates throughout the story. “We killed the mother and saved the children.” Out of death comes new life.
         Lastly, I want to mention how the story weaves in the reoccurring theme of “sight” or “what’s being seen or what’s not being seen” in both inconspicuous and more obvious ways. The story opens with Georgie seeing blood all over the floor; the guy with the knife in his eye gets stabbed for “peeping” at another woman; Georgie and Fuckhead perceive different things: the the drive-in vs. the graveyards and angels. By the end, Fuckhead seems to evolve spiritually in some ways. "The snow melts and reveals" (he can finally see) "the blossoms that were always there." Johnson effectively uses this technique without it being too overbearing or terribly obvious, and by the end it functions to create depth to a drug-induced story.

Take 63 (Short-short story)

             “Hey, pause it for a sec. I need to pee.” My girlfriend gets up from the couch, shaking her head.

             “See that’s what every girl wants. . .”  she says as she cracks open the bathroom door so I can hear her talking over the stream of urine spraying into the bowl.

             “. . . a guy who truly listens to what we’re saying. Do you see how he looks at her? He’s not even looking at her. He’s looking into her. He makes a mental note every time. . . ”

             I stop listening. Girls and their collective ‘we’s.

            We just want to be appreciated.

            We just a guy who wants to truly commit.

            This is my girlfriend telling me how I should be more like Noah. Rom-com saps aren’t real, I want to tell her every time I let her submit me to this torture. Believe it or not, he memorizes these lines from a script. Some bald guy named Antonio just put make-up on him ten minutes prior to shooting this scene. That’s the thing I don’t understand about girls and their cheesy chick flicks. They try to see beyond “the kiss.” For me, the only thing behind the kiss is a crusty-eyed camera crew. “Take 62. That was good, Rachel. A little stiff. Next time try to give me a little less Sleepless in Seattle and a little more Pretty Woman.”

           Today marks four years. Four years and I’m still competing with this douche-bag. I stare blankly at the frozen screen. Ryan Gosling’s lips contorted there in mid-sentence. His nose, wrinkled as if he smells curdled milk. I imagine that shot blown up to poster-size hanging in every 18-24 year old girl’s bedroom.

           Trish walks out of the bathroom, the toilet flushing behind her. She comes and plops down beside me and reaches for the remote. Her hands are clean, and they smell like apricot soap. I smile at her.

         "Let's go take a walk in Turner’s Park. I know it's random, but I’ve got something I want to talk to you about.”

         “Right now?" She groans. "It’s supposed to rain though, and I thought we were going to finish this.” She keeps her eyes fixed on the paralyzed Gosling.

          We just want a guy to hang by one hand from a Ferris wheel until we agree to go out with him.

          We just want a guy who writes us every day for a year.

          She tosses me a resentful glance and pushes play. The twisted face comes back to life, and then hers seems to too.

         “Yeah. Alright, maybe later then.” I lean over, kiss her on the side of the head, and try to focus on the television.

          This is Trish’s favorite part, the one where where Ally jumps into Noah’s arms and they decide it was never over. This is the part where it’s raining so hard Gosling’s make-up starts to smear. Every girl’s cream dream.

         I let out a sigh and push the tiny engagement ring box deeper in my pocket. At least I’ll stay dry for one more night. Take 63.

True Life: Television is Taking Over My Life

      Linda Davis’s style of writing isn’t trying to be overly dramatic or exhortative. However, it is convincing. The first sentence is a direct address to her reader, “We all have these favorite shows coming on every evening.” Second person functions nicely on a topic as relatable as television; furthermore, she offers a unique perspective on it by addressing that we are consumed by television, and in some ways we live vicariously through the lives of those characters we see on the screen. She also does a good job of covering a variety of shows we flip through every day. Those channels we truly have no interest, yet we watch anyway. Probably because we’re a part of the sensationalist generation. Insatiable. Bored. She brings up prominent notions we don’t always address, like why we watch TV and how we watch it, especially considering that the average Americans watch 34 hours of TV per week. The story evokes the feeling that TV has essentially taken over our lives. “We” rather unplug the phone, ignore the knock at the door, and isolate ourselves. She confuses the honking of wild geese for the blare of a TV near by, disassociating herself with the natural.  

  Another element of the story that intrigued me was the structure of it. By separating the work into three small sections, with each numbered accordingly, it feels almost as if the reader asked her to describe her life through the means of television, and she is directly responding to us. The first section begins with a more general overview of “our” fascination with television, then briefly mentions her mother and husband’s in that respect. I’m not entirely sure what the speaker’s feelings are towards her husband. Perhaps apathetic. 
       With the second section the speaker’s tone changes to slightly more distracted. There are more line breaks. She first describes documentaries or reality shows, then admits her satisfaction with the weather channel because it’s not trying to prove anything but fact. By the third section, the style is less choppy. The speaker seems to step out of the philosophy of why and how “we” watch TV and moves into first person. The last section carries the most weight because we finally understand her personal frustration with television: it leaves out the hours of dull moments in-between excitement and major events, essentially not depicting real life at all. It gives us a better sense of her feelings towards her own life, posing the idea that the real issue is something deeper than we may have first assumed. The structure in this fashion works for me. Even though it’s subtle, the character overcomes something. There is a sort of self-awareness that I can appreciate.