Response to Emily's "With Stripes Across Our Bellies"

“With Stripes Across Our Bellies” is about a woman who is losing her mother to dementia. The story gives insight into the types of experiences one goes through when a loved one is suffering from memory loss, confusion, deafness, etc.

First, I really liked the voice of this story because it felt believable. Simply put, you slipped into the character of Connie really well. I could feel that sense of partial detachment Connie has, but of course aware that she is still hanging on to all the wonderful memories she has with her mother before the dementia worsened. You capture that “what can I really do” feeling that I would imagine comes along with this type of situation. Also, I appreciate that you included a lot of creative details to paint a picture in your readers’ mind, and the farm life worked exceptionally well and provided a good setting for the story. Overall, I enjoyed the descriptions of the food that the mother cooked on pages 2 and 4, such as the fresh herbs, onions, and pig-bellies. It made your story smell and taste good even though it was sad. I liked the idea that even though she’s elderly and suffering from dementia, she still chops the vegetables better than anyone else can.

Here are a couple of issues I had with certain parts of the story. I’m big about opening paragraph of stories, and I thought yours was really strong. I was lured in immediately. However,   I never read anything else about Connie contrasting the experience with her own mother with that of other patients. I liked that you kept it to the home life scenes, but for some reason I felt opening with the information about the narrator being a heart transplant coordinator evokes expectations in readers that at some future point in the story that will come into play again. 

Second, I felt the voice and tone was much stronger than the dialogue. I like that the dialogue hints at the dementia getting progressively worse, but I don’t know if it added much depth to the mother or told us anything significant about her character other than she’s losing her memory, which we already know. The idea about her forgetting that she already took her pills is good, but consider changing up the dialogue by including other areas ways her memory is slipping; not just with the pills. 

One other thing I wanted to mention was the ages of the characters in the story. I think someone else may have mentioned this in their blog, but I noticed it too. I imagined a woman in her early thirties as far as the tone of the voice goes. I know that we’re given the information at the beginning of the story that she’s been taking care of people for 25 years, but I didn’t feel it matched up with the feel of Connie’s voice. Her mother is eighty-four--and I thought she should have been younger too. 

One suggestion I have is maybe you could give us a sort of lighthearted memory Connie has about the mother; something funny. All stories about dementia are going to be sad. Maybe instead of the mother crying and putting her face in her hands when she realizes she’s losing her memory, you could have her make some sort of humorous joke about forgetting things. I think that would add more depth to the mother and show us a little more about her personality.

Overall, Emily, I enjoyed the story, the voice was strong, and I’d like to see where you go with it from here. Good job!