Response to "Swiss Cheese"

Hello Allison,

First, I think it’s super strange that we both workshopped on the same say both times and we have had small parallels in our story like the names in our first ones and now the blood and suicide attempts. WEIRD.

Okay,

So, “Swiss Cheese” is about a girl named Brett who is working as a surgical intern at a hospital and she is assigned to a patient, Jack Goodman, who escapes from prison and severely injures himself by his third unsuccessful attempt at committing suicide. Jack is scheduled for execution in the next week for murdering six women and the conflict is that he wants to control how he dies instead of it being imposed on him like lethal injection. Thus, the conflict is that Brett has to choose how to handle Jack’s situation as a surgeon-- he wants to die.

I like the concept of this story. I always wonder how they handle these types of situations. People die in prison all the time, but if someone is severely injured they have to take care of them, even if they are one death row.

First, I think it’s cool the idea that Brett in some bizarre way sympathizes with this monster. It’s very dark. It’s almost as if witnessing the tragic death of her parents has allowed her to have some connection to Jack and his murders. She mentions being intrigued by him. She’s less offended than I expect by things although she expresses hating him because he didn’t care they saved him. At times she seems cold and detached. Like when she refuses to feel sorry for Jack about his sexual abuse not because he’s murdered women, but because she’s feels his tragic experiences pale in comparison to hers.
    I really enjoyed the dream scene. The images and descriptions were chilling and believable. I think that was my favorite part. Also, you have a very good description of setting throughout most of your story. I really loved the line, “Lacerated flesh and orange jumpsuit intermingled with blood; colors like a sunset against the flashing red lights of the ambulance.” It was poetic matched with the image of flesh and blood. Very cool.

Okay, so as far as suggestions go-- 2 small things first
I had a hard time dealing with the main character’s name being Brett. It took a long time to get used to and it was pretty distracting, especially in the beginning. I like boy/girl names but Brett is such a common dude’s name it’s hard to get over without it being addressed by the character or joked about.
I think the title is strange. I’m horrible with titles, so I can’t give you a whole lot of suggestions, but maybe something with bananas instead? Since you mention them more throughout the story. I wasn’t completely sure if it was because when he died something happened with his brain? In that case keep it, guess I’ll figure out today. :)

Okay, next I think that you have really strong descriptions in your story, but I feel like sometimes the similes and metaphors are a little excessive. In places it’s great, but it takes away from the fluidity of the story and the narrator’s voice. It was mostly just in the beginning where I noticed a lot (like a vulture, sweat like gravel, like being doused in poisonous sunscreen, like a dead mouse, like iron in her mouth). I would consider taking out some of the similes just because I began to notice and it became distracting.
    I also had a difficult time understanding Brett’s motivations. It never got completely through to me why she helped Jack. I like that she did but I think that because he murdered six women her feelings would have been different. I would keep the death row conflict because it drives the story but I might consider changing his crime and occupation. It hindered me from connecting with Jack in the way I wanted to. I sympathized with him in a weird way because of his tone- but at the same time I think I only sympathized with him because I didn’t truly believe his crime. Something didn’t match up. So that caused me to question Brett’s motivations because I wanted to understand him the way she did.

Anyway, I gotta stop writing now.
Ha, good job, Allison!